Friday, September 27, 2013

What held me back then and still holds me back today

I took my son to the local high school football game tonight. I had a great time with him. It was fun to see him react to everything that was going on, to answer his questions, and to just spend some time with him without his sister making things crazy. It's nice to have a new association with a high school football game.

Twenty years ago, I was the one out on the field. Rather than basking in warm feelings about those good old days, I couldn't help but focus on how messed I was in high school (well, my whole youth really). Those Friday nights held way too much significance and importance to my teenage life. Being out on the field rather than up in the stands defined so much of who I was. Well, it was really more about what I was not than what I was. Being a football player made me feel important. I was too scared to really explore life in high school. Football gave me something to hide behind. I never had to assert my identity in the social morass of a high school hallway. I let my status as a member of the football team do that for me. I worked so hard at keeping myself separate and distinct. I never sought to find something in common with other kids and build relationships up from that. I found ways to draw distinctions between me and everybody else. All alone in my fragile little world, I never had to open up or show anybody anything about myself. I wouldn't be opened to negative judgments, and rejections, by people who might like to be my friend.

Not that there was really all that much to me other than football, grades, and the desire to get into a fancy school (yet another way that I could distinguish myself from everybody else). I don't really know what the 17 year old version of me would think of what he's become. I never really thought about my life much past college. I didn't have a vision of who I wanted to be or what I wanted to achieve once I started my professional life. Goals and aspirations suggest a preference. You have to have an opinion and make a choice if you're going to have a real aspiration. I didn't make choices in high school. I just did what was expected of me. I was really nothing more than the reflection of what I thought others wanted to see.

My life was controlled by fear. But what was I afraid of? I was afraid that people would think my preferences, my choices, what I wanted, liked and desired, were wrong. I stuck to the safe, status quo stuff that didn't require any effort or risk of judgement. I had so little faith and confidence in my wants that I never asserted them for fear of being found deficient. I never pursued a girlfriend because I couldn't let a girl know that I liked her. Expressing a desire for a relationship with somebody was fraught with too much risk. I couldn't handle the potential for rejection. I had so little confidence and self-assurance that I relied on external approval to feel good about being me. Disapproval of any kind was not acceptable.

I keep writing this stuff in the past tense, like I'm well beyond these things. In some ways I am, but in many ways these fears still have a powerful hold on me. Look at the title I've given this blog. I'm still trying to do things that make me feel distinct from other people. My relationship struggles have their roots in my inability to share my wants, needs, and desires with the one person in this world who I know loves me without condition. It's hard for your wife to feel wanted when you've spent your whole life perfecting the art of keeping other people in the dark about what you want. I experienced my old fears while doing some consumer testing at work this week. This is the first time I've ever done one of these things. I was sitting there, recording what I thought about a prototype, and I was afraid that the the person running the test would think my preferences were wrong. I was afraid that preferring A over B was wrong and that other person would castigate me for that preference. I immediately recognized that those thoughts were absolutely crazy, but they were still so strong that I had to tell myself that I was not being judged. Picking out a ring for my wife on our anniversary was very challenging because I had to go in and express a desire for something and make a decision in front of another person.

Twenty years these things have been controlling me. I feel like I'm getting some kind of control, finally, but I still have a long way to go...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Poke, poke, poke

I've been suffering from a general level of apathy for my professional pursuits for the last couple of months. It's boredom with my assignments (which are keeping me from pursuing more interesting side projects) and fatigue with the tedium and arbitrariness of my MBA studies. I'm just not interested in what I'm doing right now. Even a breakthrough in a problem that I've been dealing with for over a year has done little to assuage my ennui. I'm feeling stagnant.

I'm not particularly motivated to workout (but that doesn't keep me from hitting the gym or going on runs). I don't even have a very strong inclination to write this blog post. I'm writing to fight back against this blah that has been gradually dragging me down. Pursuits that I once found valuable have lost a bit of their luster.

I've learned that these low phases are just part of a cycle. There are better times ahead if I can just keep moving. Moving makes things possible, introduces a bit of disorder and chaos into things. The best stuff rarely comes from where we expect. It's those minor things that spawn the most satisfying parts of our life. If I don't keep poking around, they're not going to show up.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Going Deep

I've spent a great deal of my life being abundantly aware of what I thought of myself, but largely ignorant of what other people thought about me. I'm always aware of my intentions, preferences, and desires. The people I interact with should be aware of these things as well, implicitly, without any real input or communication from me. That perspective has been my unspoken (and largely unacknowledged) guide to personal relationships. My life is arid and desolate when it comes to me telling people what I think about them in either word or deeds. My likes and dislikes, needs and desires have been a closely held secret. I never let people know what I thought about them, that I found them interesting or liked to spend time with them. I never expressed affection. It was so much easier to remain aloof.

The rational bent of most of my posts here echo this predilection. Thoughts, thinking, ideas, are so much easier to discuss than feelings and opinions. Even all this business school stuff is about analyzing numbers and basing decisions on a careful analysis of the facts. I can't help but look at this business data and make parallels to the data I generate in the lab. Conventionally sound management is rooted in facts because facts are assumed to accurately reflect the environment. Facts are facts, but the environment contains the facts and all the assumptions and underlying behavior that went into generating that fact. There's also an entirely separate body of unseen and unaccounted for stuff that is the basis of some fact. My research in the lab is all about figuring out what's the unseen and unaccounted for stuff that is the basis of some observation. Business facts just seem to be taken for granted without too much thought about what it all means.

I think I've gone about as far as I can go with my highly rational approach to life. The next step in my career demands more. The next step in my life demands more from me on a deeply emotional level. What's going on behind the scenes, the real motivation for people's behavior, is far more important than what we see at the surface.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

If you're edgy, shouldn't you have something to say?

I was in line for a slide at a water park this morning when I heard the people behind me talking about telling one of their friends that she is bourgeois. They were laughing that she didn't know what it meant and she thought it was an insult. I'd be insulted if something told me I was bourgeois. I don't think of myself as conventional, but when I look at my life, it's hard to argue with that assessment. I live in the suburbs, work for a giant corporation, I'm working on an MBA, and I'm married with two kids. Why should I be insulted? I love my life. My wife is gorgeous, my kids are fun (most of the time), and for all that I bitch and moan about my job, I find it largely rewarding on most days. So some hipster from Williamsburg or Austin might not find my life appealing, but I derive a great deal of pleasure from the live my wife and I built out here in the suburbs.

The label of bourgeois is insulting because it implies that my life emerged from the passive acceptance of what my socioeconomic position offered in a particular moment rather than an active pursuit of something that appeals to and fits my desires. A passive acceptance of my life's circumstances would have landed me in the military. That's the path that my family has traditionally taken. That's the life that I knew as a kid. I have tremendous respect for the military, but I knew that was not my path. I made the decision to pursue something different than other people in my life. 

So I decided to pursue a conventional career in a well established company in a mature industry. Well, I may work for a giant corporation, but I would argue vehemently that my career is conventional. So much of my career angst is rooted in my aversion for the conventional career path. I can see that path and what it has to offer. It's a nice clear trail that's served plenty of people well over the years. I just can't bring myself to take it. I've recognized the expediency of heeding the precedent of that path, but I've sought a way to take that path in a manner that feels right for me. The opportunity that is sitting there just waiting for somebody to grasp it would be considered highly conventional to anybody in my company, but I think the secret to success in that role is to take a highly unconventional approach. That's taking advantage of an opportunity. That's not embracing the accepted standards and holding them as your own. 

So I'm married. I've been with my wife since we were 19. I'm not exactly pushing the edge when it comes to the primary relationship in my life. Hell, I've been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months to help me be a better husband, to in essence make me better at serving the role that traditional society expects a man to fulfill. Ah, here we get back to that idea of accepting versus choosing. I have had plenty of opportunities to make a different choice. My desire to deepen my relationship with my wife has nothing to do with any societal expectation that I be a good husband. I WANT to have a deeper relationship with my wife. This is an expectation that I put on myself. It's a choice that I make. It's a choice that I make everyday. I got a salad at lunch today to show my wife that I understand and appreciate her struggle. I've made the choice to do what is best for her rather than what is best for me. I did that for her. I could care less what conventional norms dictate. 

Maybe I don't visibly reject societal expectations. Maybe I choose to have a comfortable life in a place where my kids can thrive. So be it. That's the choice that I've made. It's a choice. I have not simply accepted what was expected of me. My choices are my own. Say what you will.