Play the game

Reality has no interest in your ideals. Telling yourself that a situation fits some preconceived ideal all the while ignoring signs that it is actually something quite different is the shortcut to failure. Events are not contingent on your emotional well-being. Look at things as they are and react accordingly. React accordingly simply means to do something that reflects the reality that you face rather embarking on some kind of quixotic quest to right some perceived injustice. 

That's enough of writing in a general way that people can apply to their own situation. I need to exorcise stuff that's been happening to me, which will require me to write in a specific way that directly relates to my experience. If my issues only cast a faint light on whatever crisis you're dealing with at the moment, I hope my story offers enough light to help you see a solution.

I spent the first few weeks as a team leader trying to figure out a way to reshape my little piece of the organization into my preferred form. I struggled with how to balance my ideal situation with what the organization expected from me. I fixated on how to realize visions that I've been having for years as some distinct entity rather than recognizing the reality of my situation. A conversation with somebody who has already trod this path and is very aware how to exploit the reality of the organizational situation for his own ends snapped me out of my overemphasis on my ideal. I was primed for this reorientation. The 15-20 minutes of reading The Generals and listening to lectures about the British mistakes in the Revolutionary War made me aware of the dangers of choosing the image of reality that makes us comfortable over the recognition of reality as it is. Ignoring facts is not an effective leadership strategy.

Success requires working within the system. My wife always tells me to play the game. That's excellent advice. My leadership has no concern for my ideal reality. They only care about their reality. I can't ignore that. I can like a candidate and advocate for her, but I can also recognize that a particular role may not be the best fit for her skills and ambitions. I may want to get more people like her into the organization, but acknowledging that she may fit better in a different role is more effective than railing against what I may think of as poor decision making by other people on the team. I shouldn't try to get everybody to see things my way all the time. It's more about getting people to see that my way of looking at things is very well aligned with what they want to accomplish. That's how I need to play the game. 

Find the moment

The secret to moving forward is letting go. Granted, what exactly we need to let go of in order to move forward isn't always so clear, but making progress, getting closer to our limits, isn't about pushing harder or exerting our will. It's not so much about pushing against the external, but letting go of our need to control the external. Fighting against the pain of a long run is a lost cause. You can't make the pain go away (other than stopping of course). You can only accept the pain as part of your moment. It's what exists. Nothing more and nothing less. It's not good or bad, it's not a sign of your shortcoming or evidence of your weakness. It's not that kid who bullied you in school or that girl who you couldn't work up the nerve to talk to. It's not your failure. It's not pleasant, but it's not damaging your body. You can live with it. You just have to accept it.

Let go your conscious self. Drop your self image. Don't try to defend yourself from pain, especially the emotional kind of pain. Live it. Feel it. Let go what gives it control over you and move on. Get one step closer to what you want to become. To become something different than you are now, you have to let go of what you were when you were younger and what you are now. Change is a choice. Choose to let go.

Fellow travelers

I came across another interesting entry in the vast do what you want and screw the corporate gig, it's just making you a miserable, consumerist clone genre of self-help books tonight. This is the book. I've never heard of this guy, but I guess he's yet another blogger turned author trying to turn his life experience into a lucrative gig. This type of writing (which I have to confess that I consume on an all too regular basis) is plentiful and popular. I can't help but associate this combination with workout and diet books. All of this writing and reading (well, buying anyway), is an attempt to fool ourselves that we're making progress against some long standing goal while we're really just standing around doing the same old thing.

Sure, I can read this guy's book (it's short, I'll finish it tomorrow), but what impact will that have on my life? So maybe I can tell myself a slightly different version of the story that I've been telling myself for the last handful of years. How will yet another book urging me to turn my back on society's expectations alter my current course? Is that really the point of reading the book in the first place? Is it about changing my course or just finding reinforcement that what I've been doing all along is not crazy and destined for failure?

I'm not this miserable sap who's floating around waiting for life to hand me that perfect thing that I've always wanted. I know you have to go out there and get what you want. You need to get a sense for what you need and figure out the best way to go get it. You need to look at what holds you back and do what you can to fight against those tendencies. I just bought a jacket. I've been saying for years that I wanted a jacket that would keep me warm when it got really cold. Instead of going out and finding that jacket, I just kept using the same jackets that I've been using year after year. I think they were both Christmas presents from my mom. Rather than going out and getting what I wanted, I've been making due with what I already had. That's not really taking action. It's drifting. So I bought a jacket tonight. And rather than getting the same old safe black and gray one, I bought the blue and gray one. Yes, I know that's crazy, but you know how I like to live on The Edge.

So maybe the point of reading yet another book about following your inner voice is not so much about changing my path. For somebody who struggled with listening to his own wants and needs for far too long, it's good to have a voice reassuring me that doing what I want is the right thing. There is no reason why I should mold my life to satisfy everybody else's needs. I really only need to do what is best for me and the people that I love. So I'm not a social person who needs to have people over all the time. That's just me. I'm not inferior to others because I'm different. I'm simply being me. The pressures to conform are so strong. It's hard to fight against them. I had to come up with some story about being like Radiohead to get myself to follow my judgement as a new manager. The pull of doing things the way they've always been done were so strong. That well worn path looked so comforting. But that's not me. I need to find my own path. It still doesn't hurt to come across somebody seeking their own path every now and then.