Sunday, June 8, 2014

Give

The signs have been popping up all around me. This weekend forced them into enough of a critical mass that they fused into something that my closed, protective, and very hidebound brain could actually recognize. I've been telling myself that I need to dig deeper into my past, my likes, my tendencies to figure out who I am so I can pursue that rather than sticking to the patterns that were instilled in me before I could weigh in on just what was happening to me. That's wrong. That's just the route to more of the same. That route would likely lead to more of the same. More self-absorption, more failure to realize what the people around me need from me. The same old closed life will continue.

I need to give. Most of my life has been one of taking. I was finally able to articulate to myself how I approach social relationships earlier today. I want to be respected/appreciated/revered based on what I've accomplished (big reputation). I want people to like me, but I don't want to participate in the social exchange. I want to do my own thing, have people totally understand my need to do those things, see my actions totally in light of my own internal rationalization scheme, give me what I need from them, while they're happy to have me around and gladly take what I offer without actually wanting anything else. I want people to give me what I need without giving them anything.

At some level, I'm pretty sure that my pursuit of status objects, degrees, jobs, accomplishments of one sort or another, is my way of gaining social currency. I won't approach other people. I won't be open with them, do what I can to make them feel welcomed and comfortable, so I collect little tokens of what I can do and hope people will be happy with that. Impress them with my physical presence, let them know that I'm so good at this and that, and get them to appreciate that I'm special in some way.

It's very twisted. I can tell myself that it's how I managed to integrate myself into a new social structure every few years when I was a kid. By being the football player and the good student, that identity would get me to what I needed in my new surroundings. I could take what I needed, feel safe, and not worry much about anybody else. My dad is this way. His running streak, pathetic use of big words, military career, these are the things that he wants people to see. He can't offer himself to other people. He can't set aside his needs and do something for somebody else. He can't see what other people need. He built a shrine to himself in his head and assumes that it is his ticket to society. He sits around and waits for other people to come to him rather than going out to other people.

I only delve into possible origins on my own crazy thinking to remind myself that my tendencies came from outside of me. It's what I've been programmed to do. I'm not a victim of this programming. I can choose to fight against this natural tendency and put the needs of others before my own needs. At the core of it, my struggles are really about how to set aside my own needs. I'm happy to take what others are willing to offer. It's easy to passively sit around and enjoy other people's offerings. It's harder to be the one giving the gift. The gift of attention, the gift of time, the gift of myself. The route out of my sheltered life is not through a better appreciation of my needs. It's through a surrendering of what I want to make a gift of myself to others and giving them what they need.