Friday, December 8, 2017

On Failure

Embracing failure is not the point. Being willing to fail is the point. The moment will be there and then it will be gone. Don't let fear hold you back. Failure will come if you're doing things that don't have a highly controllable outcome. Putting all your energy into things that you know you can do yields success after success, but playing it safe is a great way to limit yourself. Success after success? Maybe if achieving some arbitrary goal is considered a success. Play video games and beat the final boss. Success? Sure, you achieved the objective of the game, but is that a success? What did you really achieve? You had fun. Maybe you solved a couple of puzzles. Fun is important, but it's not a success. It's not a success unless you're putting something at risk.

Putting your ego at risk doesn't count. Questioning your video game prowess as a consequence of failing to beat some game is not risk. Playing a game rather than engaging with life is a failure. Spend time with people not pixels. Be scared. Feeling uncomfortable and wanting to bail is a sign that you're in a place that will give you a chance to grow. I always bailed when I felt like that. My biggest regrets are bailing out when I should have dug in.

I volunteered to lead a project with an uncertain outcome at work. My boss suggested I stay in my lane and leave the project to somebody else. He wanted to play it safe. He had his spot. He wanted to hold it. I had my spot. I wanted to expand it. So I took on the project. It succeeded. I knew it would. I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would fail. I guess I didn't succeed based on my definition above. I guess graduate school was my biggest risk of failure. I left a nice job to spend a few years in a lab doing projects with no obvious success. If I hadn't gotten lucky with a porphyrin film or two, maybe things wouldn't have turned out so well. Impossible to say now. What's done is done.

What's done is done. Either you found a way to make it work or things fell off the rails. Take the chance when it's presented. If there is something you want, go after it. You want that relationship, pursue it. You want to get to some point in your career, go after it. You want to change something about yourself, acknowledge what's holding you back and grow. Hopefully the thing holding you back isn't rooted in something I did to you so many years ago. I'm not a great father, but I love you.

Know what you want. If you care enough, the risk of failure will look like nothing compared to missing out on a chance to get what matters to you. Seeing your chance pass you by will hurt more than things not working out the way you saw them in your head. Don't be reckless. Be smart. Keep your eyes open. Pay attention. Disengage with your ego.

Your mother and I had a huge fight when I went to Boston to interview for a job. Our relationship suffered from my choice. We got to a point where I wasn't sure if I could do what your mom deserved. I've had to dig into some serious shit to get to a point where I can be the man your mother deserves (and the father you deserve). It's taken me years to get to a point where I can start repairing the damage I inflicted. That interview was a failure. The entire event was all about fueling and protecting my ego. I did something that made me feel safe, pursuing some kind of external recognition of my abilities and promise, rather than growing beyond the limits I put on myself when I was young. I was fueling an outdated version of myself rather than stretching beyond that limited sense of my potential.

Don't limit yourself. Put yourself at risk. Go beyond. It might take a few tries, but you'll get there. It's alright to be scared. Just don't listen to the fear.