I've been reading a book about how different cultures define masculinity. David Gilmore, the guy who wrote the book (Manhood in the Making), not the guy from Pink Floyd, is circling around the idea that the definition of manhood is rooted in a need to get men to take on important economic tasks needed in a particular culture. It's an older book, it was written in the 80s, so there is more Freud than I find useful and he never really explores the simple idea that the masculine ideal in a society is rooted in the characteristics of the men who rose to positions of power and influence. Certain types of guys tend to rise to the top when resources are limited. The pushy assholes happy to exert themselves on the world to get whatever thing (status and sex mostly I would guess, mostly sex as status puts you in a position to get more sex) usually win these zero sum games. The template for success is established, and the next generation(s) just keep going after that same idea. Masculinity has a glint of a cultural success algorithm.
A long time half joke that is also a half (or more?) truth about me is that I have a feminine coded brain in a distinctly male body. I started making this joke when I read that males who write well may have had their brain exposed to higher levels of estrogen in the womb. I'll leave it to you to decide if what I'm putting down here qualifies as good writing, but I will say that my verbal abilities are well above the male average. Whatever the hormonal composition of my uterine environment, I have never really demonstrated the masculine ideal of boldly pursuing limited resources. It has always seemed like my body responded to testosterone, but my brain kind of sloughed it off and was content to lay low and take the passive path. I know I have touched on my ambush strategy to important life pursuits, but that preferred style frequently puts me at odds with the way a man is expected to behave.
Years ago, I don't remember the exact date but I think it was maybe the early 2010s, I was questioning the value of my focus on my various side projects. I was wondering if they were anything more than distractions. Maybe I should take time to learn about Bitcoin or explore a business rather than writing Amazon reviews, applying to law school, or getting an MBA (to list the more potentially useful channels of my mental energy). Of course I didn't do those things. Would my life look much different if I had? I'm not a very big risk taker, kind of the point of this whole entry or maybe the blog itself, so it's unlikely I would have put more than a token amount of money into Bitcoin or any other investment that I may have identified. I've never felt compelled to take the big risk in any life domain. Drifting along has always just seemed so much easier.
It's getting late so I don't want to start a whole new line of thought here, but my often pondered health and reading pursuits are not going all that well. As usual, there are many reasons for this, but a big one is me just not putting in the energy to make something happen. I have a vision, it's small and personal but it's a vision, but I'm not doing much to make that vision a reality. Lots of reasons why this isn't happening, but the choices I make are a big part of this issue. Getting up to run tomorrow before it gets too hot is a big part of marathon training success. That's why I need to stop now and go to bed.
