Infinite loops

The big news in my life today was seeing that Nintendo is bringing the NES version of Tetris to Switch Online. The teenage version of me is very excited to have the chance to play this version of the game again. I have an NES system and a Tetris cartridge, but it's a hassle to get it all set up and my controllers are not in the best shape. The change to revisit this staple of my young life is an exciting prospect. I play plenty of Teris 99, but the NES version has been the one that I have played the most (with the original GameBoy version a close second). I'm not sure if it's pathetic that this kind of news is exciting for me or if I should be more of an adult and not return to youthful things like this. I'm 48. Did I freeze as a person when I was a teenager? Did I just latch onto a few things I really enjoyed and just stick with it?

I'm sure I've discussed this elsewhere in these many posts, but the prominence of things from my youth in my adult life is something that I continue to find striking. I'm wearing a Cobra shirt as I type this for crying out loud! The details and decorations of my life have obviously changed over time, and I've experienced the big life events that mark our transition through key life stages. The core of my life, the supporting structure that holds up all this other stuff, still feels very similar to me. My approach to life, what I pursue and what I avoid, doesn't feel like it's shifted much over the decades. If I hadn't gotten married and had kids, it would probably look very similar. Replace school with a job, and you would still see me playing video games, reading books, and doing things like this (I've had many paper journals over the years). 

I don't know why I have an expectation that I would undergo some kind of personality/interest shift as I age. I certainly had a hope that I would get over the issues that caused me angst when I was younger. The fantasy of a superior future version of me was a constant source of reassurance. I could turn to a fantasy of a time when I was no longer awkward in social situations, comfortable with girls, and confident in my value, capability, and worth. My reading, video games, and unloading my feelings into things like this were how I coped with my issues. My continued reliance on these activities imply that I"m still in the pattern of sheltering myself from life by hiding in these fantasy spaces. I haven't made a concerted effort to work through the issues that prevent me from making my fantasy future a real future. Let's not pretend that this is a simple process. It's very difficult. There is a reason most people just kind of bump through life following the same pattern over and over again. 

I have some very concrete examples of how my old patterns repeating are keeping me from having a superior life experience. Let's bring the past version of myself into contract with my current life. I was not very successful with the ladies in high school. Now, looking back, I can see that was more from a failure to act more than any disinterest from the girls in my circle. I was certainly given hints and subtle invitations to pursue relationships and the kind of physical experiences that I so desperately wanted. And these weren't girls I was interested in. My first huge crush opened the door for me a few times. There were certainly suggestions and hints dropped when I was in college by girls I would have been happy to spend some time with doing interesting things (and some girls that were not quite as appealing). I've been married for 25 years and I'm still not responding to hints and suggestions about how I can spend more time naked in bed with my wife. She's told me what she needs, many times, but I haven't made a conscious and consistent effort to do what she needs. Telling her that she's beautiful is not exactly some terribly difficult task. Unfortunately, one of those support structures holding up the rest of my life is something about not sharing how I feel about other people. I've always suspected that there is an element of self-protection at the core of this pattern, but some deep seated protective strategy that is either just inherent to my personality or a strategy I adopted very early in my life has kept me from having experiences that I would really like to have had. But I'm still doing it! What am I protecting myself from? I'm expecting my wife to do what I need but not do what she needs? That was the pattern that kept me a loser loner in high school. I adopted this inaccurate self-perception when I was very, very young and I've never taken the effort to overcome that powerful pattern as I've matured and gained more control over how I live my life. 

I like to play it safe. It's better to take what I can for little to no risk than put a little something on the line to get more. The really sad part of that statement is that what I was afraid to put on the line, some sense of emotional security and safety, is only as real as I allow. Rejection (which, as noted above, was actually a low risk because I was getting signs that interest was mutual) is only a risk to my mental state. There is no physical risk. I just had to develop a mindset that would allow me to deal with that emotional state. It's the same thing that I'm dealing with in offering my wife compliments. The risk is only a perception in some irrational part of my psyche. I'm locked in a pattern. Am I strong enough to put in the work to break it?

We'll see. I need to go download the GameBoy version of Tetris on my Switch. 

Be Bold?

I've been reading a book about how different cultures define masculinity. David Gilmore, the guy who wrote the book (Manhood in the Making), not the guy from Pink Floyd, is circling around the idea that the definition of manhood is rooted in a need to get men to take on important economic tasks needed in a particular culture. It's an older book, it was written in the 80s, so there is more Freud than I find useful and he never really explores the simple idea that the masculine ideal in a society is rooted in the characteristics of the men who rose to positions of power and influence. Certain types of guys tend to rise to the top when resources are limited. The pushy assholes happy to exert themselves on the world to get whatever thing (status and sex mostly I would guess, mostly sex as status puts you in a position to get more sex) usually win these zero sum games. The template for success is established, and the next generation(s) just keep going after that same idea. Masculinity has a glint of a cultural success algorithm.

A long time half joke that is also a half (or more?) truth about me is that I have a feminine coded brain in a distinctly male body. I started making this joke when I read that males who write well may have had their brain exposed to higher levels of estrogen in the womb. I'll leave it to you to decide if what I'm putting down here qualifies as good writing, but I will say that my verbal abilities are well above the male average. Whatever the hormonal composition of my uterine environment, I have never really demonstrated the masculine ideal of boldly pursuing limited resources. It has always seemed like my body responded to testosterone, but my brain kind of sloughed it off and was content to lay low and take the passive path. I know I have touched on my ambush strategy to important life pursuits, but that preferred style frequently puts me at odds with the way a man is expected to behave.  

Years ago, I don't remember the exact date but I think it was maybe the early 2010s, I was questioning the value of my focus on my various side projects. I was wondering if they were anything more than distractions. Maybe I should take time to learn about Bitcoin or explore a business rather than writing Amazon reviews, applying to law school, or getting an MBA (to list the more potentially useful channels of my mental energy). Of course I didn't do those things. Would my life look much different if I had? I'm not a very big risk taker, kind of the point of this whole entry or maybe the blog itself, so it's unlikely I would have put more than a token amount of money into Bitcoin or any other investment that I may have identified. I've never felt compelled to take the big risk in any life domain. Drifting along has always just seemed so much easier. 

It's getting late so I don't want to start a whole new line of thought here, but my often pondered health and reading pursuits are not going all that well. As usual, there are many reasons for this, but a big one is me just not putting in the energy to make something happen. I have a vision, it's small and personal but it's a vision, but I'm not doing much to make that vision a reality. Lots of reasons why this isn't happening, but the choices I make are a big part of this issue. Getting up to run tomorrow before it gets too hot is a big part of marathon training success. That's why I need to stop now and go to bed.