Goal Contradiction and Priorities

Many of the goals that I set for myself are really just advanced allocation of how I will be spending my time. When I decide to read 52 books in a year, I am setting aside a huge amount of time for reading. The number of books I choose to read is mostly a statement of how much time I plan on reading over the year as the number of books I read and the amount of time I spend reading is tightly correlated. The length and difficultly of whatever book I read has an impact on how much time I need to read it, but that impact is secondary to the volume of time I set aside for reading. 

Fitness goals have this property. Going to the gym three days a week requires me to set aside an hour or so three days a week for lifting. If I set a rowing distance goal or a running distance goal, that's just me saying that I will spend so much time on the rowing machine or on the roads running. Even performance goals like finishing a marathon or setting a new 10K PR require a prescribed amount of time for training. By making the goal I accept the training plan, or, to put it another way, I decide to set aside a particular period of time for training. 

The more of these time volume goals that I stack on myself, the more I have to negotiate goal conflict. I'm thinking of setting a sleep goal this year. Going to bed at a particular time each night means that I may have to cut my reading time short. That puts my reading goal at odds with my sleeping goal. I want to get more sleep so I feel more energetic when I run in the morning. The sleep goal is not in conflict with a running goal (run a marathon will be a goal, I kind of like setting a new 10K PR, that might make it in too). 

Some goals are clearly free from any kind of conflict. Avoiding goals rarely face goal conflict. Buying no books stands by itself. It takes no time and does not limit my reading choices considering that I own 175 books that I've yet to read. Losing weight (or whatever way I choice to state that goal) is kind of in a hybrid position. Working out contributes to weight loss, but healthy eating will drive more of my weight lose than exercise. 

Volume goals are definitely the challenge. More rowing would eat into my reading time, but it would help with losing weight and could improve my running. A goal priority could eliminate this conflict. If I decide that getting in my reading is more important than rowing, the reading goal would take priority. Fitness over reading, and the treadmill comes before the reading. Putting the sleep goal first would make everything secondary after 10:30 or whatever time I set for my bedtime. I gave myself a bed time a year or so ago and it actually worked pretty well. 

There is no doubt that reading has been my top goal this year. Finishing 52 books this year has become a near obsession. But even that goal has become secondary to completing the Concept 2 Holiday Challenge. I used several chunks of potential reading time to get in rowing machine meters today. I may miss that goal, I need to row 11,000 m Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve, but I'm keeping the possibility alive by getting in over 9000 m today. 

The volume goals are all about time, but there is a certain amount of energy management involved in these as well. I was working out in the evenings when I first started writing this blog. I would drag myself downstairs at 10 or 10:30 to get in the garage and exercise. That doesn't work for me anymore. Getting up at 5 to run two days a week requires an entirely different energy management strategy. If I stay up too late the night before a run, that messes me up for days. I'll be extra tired that night. It's hard to read if you're falling asleep. 

Managing energy is really the key to meeting any goal. With that in mind, sleep will be a big goal for me this year. This is a key strategic decision as the shape of my other goals is profoundly affected by this one decision. I was already going to go conservative on the reading goal, 25 books. That's half of what I've read this year. More rest is also good for testosterone maintenance and will reinforce my physical training efforts by enhancing recovery. Sleep is good for testosterone health as well. So sleep will be my primary volume goal. I've tried this before and it didn't work so well. Maybe this year will be different.

I am my own man

I've hatched a plan to read every book that I own. I call this adventure Bookshelf Zero. This is a multi-year project. With 177 unread books on my shelves, it will be a little while until I've finished everything. The number of books is intimidating enough. Throw in the level of difficulty with some of these and the challenge gains a whole new level. I just read 13 pages of Swann's Way. That's the first book in his massive In Search of Lost Time. Books 2-7 are part of that 177. The Russian's, dense pieces of philosophy, a huge book on the history of the Whig party in the United States. These are all books that I will read if I'm to reach Bookshelf Zero.

I've already resolved to buy zero books in 2017. I managed to go a whole year without buying a book a few years ago. I went on a bit of a book buying binge right before that year started. I'm doing the same thing now. Part of it was buying skinny books to help me reach 52 for the year (a goal that gets more and more difficult to realize with every passing day), but part of it is getting my fill of book buying before the year is out. I'm still trying to decide if I really like to read or if I just read so I can justify buying more books.

What the hell was I thinking is a question I have asked myself more than a few times as I've looked over my list of unread books. Why do I have this need to pull every "hard" book that has ever been written into my life? What am I trying to prove? Then I look at my desire to pick up Capital in the Twentieth Century or a Brief History of Time (I can probably pick them up cheap at one of the two recently opened used book stores...) and realize I'm just doing more of the same. Buying these super hard books gives me some kind of boost. Reading them doesn't really seem to be the point.

Bookshelf Zero is about actually reading books that I have bought, but a big part of it is actually reading these complex, dense, and less than riveting tomes that I bought way back when to feel better about myself. I really like reading Proust, but I can't help but feel that part of my motivation to read this kind of challenging literature is rooted in my desire to prove my worth. Just who I'm trying to impress is a trickier question.

Reading is the one thread that runs through every stage of my life. I have always read. Always. I read fewer books when I was a graduate student, but I was reading papers relevant to my research almost every day. I always manage to find time to read. I aspire to read some of the hardest books around. Why bother? What does this drive to read Proust or Tolstoy say about me? I can't help but think that getting to the root of my drive to read, and what I want to read, will help me figure out just who I am and what I'm about.

I have this urge to write about my reading exploits. I like to think that this compulsion is related to this need to figure out just who I am. It's seems silly to be talking about self-discovery when I'm 40 years old. But if it's a choice between self-discovery and becoming my father, I'll take delayed self-discovery every time.

The effort to establish some kind of relationship with my father via email is over. I tried. There's nothing more I can do. My dad was here on Saturday. It's the first time he's been to my house in 9 years. I will be surprised if he ever comes back. My father has no interest in building a relationship with me. He's an emotional void. He said almost nothing to me when he was here. He didn't make an effort to talk to either of my kids. He's a waste. He's a liar. He's not worth my time and effort. He's not the kind of person that I want in my life.

I have a very strong fear of becoming my father. I was well on my way, at least in certain respects. My dad seeks to impress others by his acquired knowledge. I have often thought that my book thing may be my version of his WWII obsession. My desire to delve into this reading experience is partially to get to the bottom of my reading motivations. I want to prove to myself that I'm not doing it to impress people. I want to prove to myself that I'm not my father.

I'm not cheating on my wife so that's a good way to not be my father. I'm not a compulsive liar. My Dad's entire life is a lie. It's all a big effort to convince himself that he's not a big loser. He's trying to tell himself that he's a man, that he's important, that he matters. I wanted to build a relationship with him because I wanted to know why he feels that way. He's never going to tell me. He doesn't know himself. He's just a weakling who does all he can to tell himself that he's strong. I intimidate the hell out of him. He's afraid of me. He's afraid of everything.

My dad is afraid that people will see his weakness. He slinks around thinking that people won't notice that's he's constantly afraid of being found out as a terrified little man. He uses women to tell himself that he's a big bad man. He's so pathetic. I kind of think that I want him to acknowledge my superiority. I want to hear him say that I have what he wants. I just want to be better than him. I know that I am. He knows that I am. I want to hear him say it. I want to hear him say that he's happy about it, that he's proud of me. But he had nothing to do with who I am. I am who I am in spite of his presence in my life. I defeated his efforts to hold me back. I'm a constant reminder of his failure. I'm proof of his weakness. He wants to run away and start his life over in Alabama.

He doesn't deserve my love. He deserves my scorn.

And I'm going to read all my books because reading is and always has been central to my life and identity. I'm not trying to prove anything to anybody. I just want to read the books that have endured and defy the passage of time. Books have always been my connection to the world that exists outside of me. I've slowly been able to open myself to that world in other ways. Books will always be part of that connection.