Do I expect perfection? I know that I acknowledge the unattainability of perfection, but I seem to have a way of chiding myself for not doing things that I should have done but maybe just did not realize that I should have done. I don't envision failure. Is this a lack of imagination or the refusal to acknowledge that failure is a possibility. Is looking for ways that things might go wrong (and acting to prevent them) a refusal on my part to acknowledge the possibility of failure. I have lamented my fundamental passivity numerous times in these electronic pages, but is my passivity a desire to not act or a reluctance to confront and contend with failure? I tell myself I won't fail so I never really think about what could go wrong if things don't go just right.
A whole series of professional failures have come from not seeing how things could turn out badly and take action to prevent that bad outcome. I have to kind of wonder if my entire mindset and orientation towards life isn't a reflection of my fear. Some people are angry. I'm just afraid. Fear of ridicule. Fear of failure. Fear of being exposed as something less than I've always thought of myself. Bad things happen at work and I get scared of what could happen next. I'm not mad that it happened. I'm not working through a way to recover from the situation. I'm scared of what could happen next. I avoid situations that might make me feel uncomfortable because I'm scared.
Is that the summation of all the things I've written here (and all the other things that I've written but never published, all the notebooks that I filled when paper was the main way to do these kinds of things). I'm scared. Fear is the unmanliest of emotions. Fear is weakness. Well, the refusal to act when you're scared (or to acknowledge and confront the things that scare you). Is the undercurrent of uncertainty and anxiety that I"ve been feeling for the last three years unacknowledged fear?
I started this by wondering if I expect perfection. I had to stop reading Tom Clancy books because I was getting annoyed by the excessive competency of the characters. They always know the right thing. They fully assess the situation and see exactly what is happening. Navigating ambiguity and uncertainty is a cinch. Hard decisions are made easy and every sign of something that isn't quite right is easily recognized. LIfe isn't that easy. I guess it can be pleasant to envelope yourself in that fantasy. Read the book and participate in that masterful execution of an impossible plan. It feels good to be the winner.
This is probably all bullshit. I just have bad mindset habits. I fall into easy and familiar ways of handling problems. Those patterns could have been set by my desire to avoid fearful situations (and a strong reluctance to push beyond that fear to engage in activities that make me uncomfortable). Part of why I write things like this is an effort to figure out why I'm not more like the vision of myself that I have in my head. That vision is not afraid. That vision does what makes him uncomfortable rather than taking the easy way out and avoiding the situation. It's not a fear of my physical safety. It's emotional and identity threats that I fear.
This is a theme to explore, but I really need to get some sleep.
