Crisis of Confidence

I've been feeling a bit low and unmotivated recently. My wife expressed her concern by pointing out how touchy I've been with my kids recently. Stuff that normally wouldn't affect me has been making me very grouchy. I hadn't really thought much about it until she said something. As I've been reflecting on my mood and how I've been feeling, I can't help but notice a lack of positive ego events in the last couple of months. The things in my life that normally give me a little boost and make me feel good about myself just haven't been there recently.

I'm happy to have my new manager role at work, but I'm not doing the kinds of things that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I'm not getting things done in the lab. I don't have a set of tasks that I can complete and feel good about getting them done. Then there's the challenge of getting through the uncertainty of whether or not I'm doing my new job right. I don't have much feedback about how people are responding to me being their leader. I used to know when I did something that would impact the organization. I'm not so sure any more.

My workouts are not going well this summer. We've taken many trips already and all that traveling messes up the time I have to workout. I need to get to bed soon so I'll be ready to get up and run tomorrow. After much deliberation, I registered for the Patrick Henry half-marathon last week. I've been running, but I've struggled with the long runs. Pacing is my big problem, but I just don't feel like I'm where I want to be when it comes to my fitness. My concerns started with my Monument Ave 10k time and things have just continued to deteriorate over the summer.

I'm not losing weight. If anything, I'm gaining weight. All those trips mean more eating out. Coupled with the reduced workouts, that's not a good combination. So I'm feeling bad about myself physically. I've never really felt bad about my body, and I'm not sure I would say that I feel bad about my body now. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself for not having a stronger commitment to my health.

I've had some project running in the background for the last several years. LSAT prep, MBA classes, there's been something that provided a steady stream of stuff to my ego fire. I don't have anything like that going on right now. I have a project, but it's not something that provides constant feedback. I'm the only one who's seen it since I started working on it. I haven't written an Amazon review or even done much writing here. These posts don't get many views, but I appreciate seeing that somebody has looked at something I've written.

Assuming that there is something to this idea that my confidence is a little shaky right now because I'm not getting my usual diet of ego reinforcement, that says something pretty significant about my self-image. That something is also undermining my confidence and contributing to my depression. The crisis of confidence is also a bit of identity crisis. Damn, this is tough.

This is what I want

My 20 year high school reunion is this year. I'm not going, but the invitation that came in the mail a couple of days ago made me think about that kid who set off for college with a very distorted view of the world. I can't help but wonder what he would think of my life. He probably wouldn't have much of an opinion. There are no grades or competitions to help him put it into perspective. I also can't help but wonder what I'll think of my life when I get to my 40 year reunion. At 18, I didn't really have any long term aspirations. Other than finally getting laid, I don't think I had any real goals in life. I just wanted to do things that other people would find impressive. I got lucky and that approach worked out well for me over the last 20 years, but I'm not certain that's the way I want to approach the next 20 years of my life. I know it's not. I will be the active agent in the next phase of my life. I will express my needs to the world, and take specific actions to make those wants, needs, and desires a reality.

I took the first step towards being the active agent in my life by starting a bucket list. I've never committed long term aspirations to paper before today. That's too aggressive. If I say it, other people will know what I want and I can be judged for it. It forces me to take a stand. This wasn't an exercise in daydreaming. This was an attempt to force myself to express what I want to accomplish. The kind of things that I might look back on in 20 years and say, man, I wish I had done that thing before I was 58. Here's my list (in no particular order):

Write a book
Vacation on a tropical island
Take my kids to Disney World
Run a sub-50 minute 10K
Read Ulysses and War & Peace
Go to an NFL game
Learn a swimming stroke and use it to swim at least 1 mile in the ocean
Visit New York City
Complete a marathon
Own a Porsche
Publish a paper in a chemistry journal as the principal investigator

These may not be as ambitious and exotic as some other people's aspirations, but to realize some of these desires I will need to definitive steps to making them happen. And that's the point. Sure, I could wait around and see if an opportunity to go to a football game presents itself, but why not take action to make that happen for myself? That's the rub of this list. It's not so much the difficultly of achieving these goals that's make them relevant. Other than writing a book, the basic infrastructure to achieve these goals is already in place. The relevance comes in expressing a desire to want something. The list may get more ambitious and exotic with time, but simply stating that I want to do these things is more than I ever did when I graduated high school. Sharing these desires with other people (I showed my wife the list earlier tonight) is yet another relevant step. It's not to get people to keep me on track to realizing these goals, but to share my desires and not fear people's judgement of those goals.

I've spent too much of my hiding. I've stayed where it's nice and safe. It's time to dare, to desire, to want. It's time to be me.