My life should continually trend towards the realization of my ideals and aspirations. This is one of my never expressed, rarely explored, and totally taken for granted core beliefs. Every year I should be closer to my ideal weight or have read a few books that I've wanted to read for years. I should earn more money, be more capable, and just be a better me. I guess it's a consequence of my white male privilege. Whatever the origin, some parts of my life get closer to that arbitrary ideal with the passing years, but mostly things seem to stay on a pretty consistent equilibrium. My weight stays pretty constant despite an expressed desire to get down a few pounds. I keep running but my pace tends to stay in a pretty consistent range. I lift at the gym two or three days a week, but the weights that I use in a workout haven't really changed much over the last couple of years. My relationship with my wife stays strong, but it's not getting better. We keep talking about getting closer emotionally, but we end up drifting around one another in the same old patterns.
Improving my relationship with my wife (or lifting more or running faster) requires giving that part of my life more energy and attention. More energy in one area means less energy in another. Less energy in another area will mean a lack of progress against some goal. My perpetual ascent towards the realization of my long held aspirations will suffer. That will hurt my ego too much so I just can't do that. When it comes right down to it, most of these activities are all about keeping my sense of self happy. If I can have that sense that all is well then I will feel safe and secure. Nothing can be wrong with me if I'm realizing my goals and dreams.
These ego salves change over the years, but they're always present. There were plenty of years that I didn't exercise at all, but I was preparing for graduate school or had some other project that kept me focused on some kind of long term improvement. I could escape the moment by shifting my discontent with my current status to some imagined future state. I escaped the drudgery of my miserable high school days by projecting myself into college. Grad school was my focus when I was prepping blood samples for the thousandth time. I escaped the anxiety of working for a company being purchased by a much larger entity by focusing on getting into law school. It was a costly therapy program.
Going to the gym satisfies the need to be engaged in a workout plan. It's not about actually getting stronger. It's maintaining the illusion that I'm working on getting stronger. I only exert enough energy to get in sets that feel like enough. I don't push it to the point of pain and discomfort. That would take energy from running or making me too tired to read at night. I have let getting to the gym be enough. It's more about actually doing work while I'm there. Sometimes just doing enough is enough, but most of the time it takes a little more to make a difference. Making a difference isn't always the point of going to the gym.
So I need to decide if I actually want to make a difference in these areas or if I'm content to just let them keep fulfilling their role as a way to cope with my bad emotions. Do I really want to be closer to my wife or I am alright with keeping things the way they are? Making a change means giving these things more energy and focus. It requires opening myself to feeling bad. As I do most of these things to avoid feeling bad, embracing the discomfort that comes with being more engaged and vulnerable would be a real challenge. Isn't that kind of the point?
