No plans = No commitments

I've taken a little pride in disregarding plans in favor of reacting to opportunities as they present themselves. Given this self-satisfaction, it should come as no surprise that I reacted very favorably to this little piece about a class in Chinese philosophy. My approach to planning is nothing new. The ancient Chinese also felt that you can respond better to potentially fruitful opportunities when you aren't intent on advancing to the next stage of your plan.

Despite validation by thinkers who lived thousands of years ago, I've been cooling on my zest for staying in the moment. It's one thing to consciously choose to observe what's going on in your environment and react accordingly, but it's something altogether different to avoid making plans in an effort to remain uncommitted to a goal. Developing a plan requires the explicit statement of a target, of making it very clear to yourself and everybody else that you want a particular thing. You must express intent. I have a pattern of avoiding clear statements of desires, wants, and needs. Expressing a subjective opinion makes you susceptible to judgement. Judgement may come with ridicule.

I've been too embarrassed to express my desires for a good chunk of my life. It's ok to talk about things that are universally accepted as worthwhile.. Pursuing more education, working for a recognized company, staying fit. Nobody will make fun of you for those things. Going against the grain and liking something that others may find less appealing, that's a little more challenging. Hiding you desires allows you to build up some pretty good defensive skills. I've only recently realized that I frequently dual with my wife emotionally. I've viewed our big arguments as a contest to see if I could get her to see things my way. Listening to her and using what she told me as a way to improve our relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to figure out a way to show her that I was acting reasonably in the moment and that there is no reason she should be mad at me.

Avoiding plans was just another weapon I used to keep others from seeing what I'm really all about. You can't stay hidden if you tell your boss that you eventually want his job (or his boss's job) or share your hottest fantasy with your significant other. The boss can't say you don't have the skills to get to that job and nobody will think your twisted if you just keep those things to yourself. You can slide and adjust and change your story if you never let anybody know what you really have planned. You can also keep believing whatever crazy rationalizations your relying on to justify not pursuing some worthy goal. It's easier to play Tetris in the dorm than to actually experience what the world has to offer.

I'm a manager, now what?

I walked out of my soon to be bosses office on Friday reeling from our five minute conversation. All the tension, apathy, and funkiness of the last couple months was gone. It's been replaced by a chaotic mix of emotions that I'm only beginning to get a handle on. That management position that I talked myself into pursuing is mine. I'll have a group of people reporting to me in a few weeks. The reality and gravity of that statement is still sinking in. It's so much easier to plot and plan about what I would do as a leader when that's just a concept. Now I legitimately have to start making some plans for how I want to approach this role.

My first inclination is to get all crazy and try to throw everything that I've been thinking about over the last couple of years out on the table. I feel like I'll be expected to be different, but I need to remember that the way I've been working is what got me in a position to be a manager in the first place. A totally renovation of my work persona will fail. I need to stay true to myself. Rather than trying to introduce a dozen new ideas to my still to be decided team all at once, I need to pick the thing that I need to implement in order to get my team to start thinking about their job just a little differently. I need to keep this thing contained so I have a chance to grow as a leader rather than trying to do too much at once.

Focusing on a few important things rather than just going after everything all at once has been on my mind quite a bit in the last month or so. I've been looking at my life and recognizing that I'm too diffuse. I do a decent job on a variety of things rather than doing an outstanding job on just a few things. I need to really think about my new role and how that job fits into the larger organization, figure out what kind of things I would like to do with my team, suggest an organization that will allow me to do those things, and develop a plan to ensure that I get the people that I want. I'll have to spend too much time on my class to devote the right kind of energy on that task. (You could say that writing this post is a waste of time as well, but I typically use these posts as a way to clarify my thinking. Getting my thoughts into a form where a few other people can read them forces me to clarify plans that are ephemeral when they're trapped in my head. This is a useful function so I don't consider the blog a waste of time.)

I'm working on redirecting the emotional energy that I spend on frivolous things like fantasy football to the really meaningful parts of my life where I actually have a tremendous amount of influence on how things turn out. I'm working hard at solidifying my relationship with my wife. It has suffered from my pursuit of activities that satisfied a deep but unhealthy emotional need. Everything in my life starts with her. She deserves the best that I can give her. Everything else can wait. And that's why I'm going to cut this post short (and not add links) so I can get to bed.

Nerves

I've felt a little off all night. I thought I was just recovering from a very busy day at work followed by an unplanned detour to pick up dinner, but that's all behind me and I'm still not right. Part of if may be that I've been trying to get a project to work for a week with progress but no success. I thought I had it licked, but I just checked on its progress and I'm still one small step from having it finished. I'm making a Hail Mary move tonight. Hopefully there will be good news when I get up tomorrow morning. That may be contributing to my funk, but that's not the whole story.

There's only one explanation. I'm nervous about my interview tomorrow. That may not seem like such a big reveal, but identifying and acknowledging my feelings is a relatively new experience for me. My standard approach is to play it cool and act like I'm not bothered by the situation. I know what I have to offer so why should I be nervous? That false bravado is just a way to hide from my feelings. Push those uncomfortable feelings aside and pretend that all is well. I've done that for most of my life. It's time for something new. It's not like I've never been nervous before. The most nerves that I've ever felt in my entire life was sitting in my car getting ready to go up for my interview with Solgar. I got that job. It was that interview that got put me in a position to have my current job. There were big stakes on the line at that interview. I can't help but feel that the stakes for this interview are just as big.

This is what I've been working toward since I rejoined the organization in 2006. I was being honest with myself when I admitted that I'm nervous about my interview tomorrow. I should also be honest with myself and acknowledge that I want to run things. I have a horrible time sitting back and simply doing as I've been told. I like to build something all my own. I've been able to do that with ideas and concepts, but I've never done it with a team. I can do my thing, but I want to scale that up to the team level. That's an entirely new challenge. I feel stagnant. That stalling isn't a consequence of projects or other job assignments. It's boredom with doing more of the same. I'm tired of technical challenges. I want something new. I'm desperate for something new. No wonder I'm nervous.

A deliberate step

I have another job interview on Friday. No trips to other cities for this one. I just have to walk down the hall from my desk at work. After being buried in a flat organization for the last two and half years, I finally have a chance to move up the hierarchy. It's me and one other guy. My instincts tell me that the other guy is the preferred candidate going into the interview panel, but I suspect that I have a better story to tell. I have the better story because I want the job more than he does. 

I had to talk myself into applying for this position, but I need to take this active step towards something different in my life. I know that in one of my previous posts I noted that my efforts to improve my position, law school applications, interviews at companies in other cities, even my MBA classes, don't come with any real risk. I was never going to go to law school or move to Boston. My MBA doesn't challenge my comfort zone. All these things that I do to convince myself that I'm doing something (all while looking for ways that people can notice me and give me some praise) are all for show. There is no risk of failure, and as such there is real opportunity to succeed. 

I'm a little scared about the prospect of getting this job. I don't fully know what to expect. That's the reason why I need it. It makes me uncomfortable. It's also not something that I'm drifting into. Sure, there could be other opportunities in a month or two that are more aligned with my inherent drives, but this is the point where I need to do something unexpected. Doing what fits with my current path will juts be more of what I'm doing now. I don't want more pie. I want to try something that I might not be any good at. Or maybe I'll excel. I don't know which is more likely and that's why I want to take a crack at being a manager.