I was all set to write a post about my crisis of confidence (like this is some kind of novel insight into my state of mind). Of course I've written a post with just that title. July 18,2014. Guess I've been dealing with some issues for longer than I realized. My 2014 crisis was rooted in my uncertainty in a new role (that sounds familiar) and a frustration with my commitment to fitness (where have I heard that before?). I speculated on the lack of ego fuel in 2014. No more classes, no more LSAT prep, no more lab experiments.These self selected rite of passages provided a sustained beat of achievements that I relied on for valuation and assurance that I was worthy. Look what I did! I did this too! Here's another one!
I haven't found a replacement for those challenges. I could change a few details to match my current situation and that post would basically be what I planned on writing tonight. I'm almost 46 (yes, I have not updated my age in my little bio box for several years) and I'm still trying to move beyond the coping mechanisms that I developed when I was a teenager. Not that this is in any way an unusual state. I would guess the vast majority of people keep repeating the same pattern for their entire life. There is a strong pattern of doing very little to put myself at risk in all of my various ego boosting efforts. I'm not one to choose a course of action that would jeopardize my self-image. It's easy for me to look back on how certain girls treated me when I was a teenager and recognize that I was being invited to make a move. Making a move was way too big of a risk in that particular moment. Rejection was way too risky. The risks of failure greatly exceeded potential benefits from taking some chances.
Rejection is always way too risky. Failure must be avoided at all costs. I repeat the pattern of taking on efforts with enough challenge that I can derive a sense of doing something worthy but with very little downside (as defined by my complicated mental scoreboard). I can take a pretty good measure of what is hard enough to take some work but is still well within my abilities (have to stay in that safe zone). The consequences of (highly unlikely) failure must also be fully assessed. Nothing really bad can happen if things don't turn out as expected.
I'm struggling to describe the thought process (well, feeling process is more accurate) in the abstract. Let's look at various career choices I made in the five years or so after grad school. It is very clear that the path to positions on influence flowed through the formulation track. If I had been serious about getting into a more influential position I would have switched over as soon as possible. I would have worked harder to endear myself to my superiors and demonstrate that I shared their concerns and would protect their interests. I would have played the game. That's not what I did. I wasn't honest with myself and told myself I wanted more responsibility while doing all that I could to avoid it while trying to convince myself that I was doing what I could to get there. My ego wanted me to be important, but I didn't really want to be important. I wanted to be competent and respected, but I didn't want to give up what I liked or sacrifice my life for a company (well, other managers really but let's just say the company). I wanted what was safe, higher paying role, while failing to acknowledge that I really just wanted to make a contribution and learn something new and interesting.
