The right answer at the moment is to assume that it's going to horrible for all of us. While that certainly makes plenty of sense at a disinterested rational level and encourages people to do what is best for the group, that doom and gloom perspective rankles my sensibility and exaggerates the true impact of this event. I've read what it's like for people who need to be in the hospital. It's horrible. The doctors and nurses treating the patients are seeing the very worst of this pandemic. Nobody wants to be on a ventilator struggling not to drown from fluid filling the lungs. Should we live in constant fear of that scenario though? We can do so little to control whether or not we get the virus. Restaurants and shops and hair salons and so many other things being closed are only measures to slow the spread of the virus. It's going to be with us for a long time. We may develop a vaccine or effective treatment to make it just another medical thing to deal with, but there's a good chance many of us will get it. And many of those many will deal with some minor symptoms and go on with their life. It will be a huge deal for some people and a major disruption for pretty much nothing for everybody else. Does that make it a big deal or something that is being blown out of proportion? We all have to wait for our answer.
I have been avoiding the news. The misinformation, speculation, and constant emphasis on the worst case scenarios is too frustrating to watch. I read a column about a kid who got the virus after visiting Disney World and was so frustrated to read that there was a wide spread belief out there that young people couldn't get the virus. Nobody is immune to infection from this virus. That's what makes a novel virus such a huge deal. We're all susceptible. It just seems like young people are less likely to need hospitalization. This particular kid was recovering at home. We're watching people learn about viral infections and exponential growth in real time. It's more than I can handle.
Maybe I could handle it if I wasn't dealing with keeping my life and family pointed in a mostly positive direction while dealing with the challenges of working from home, my kids not having school again until September, and trying to figure out just how much food and other supplies I need to have in the house. My grad school labmate and his wife achieved a modest level of fame with their struggles to conceive. They were on an MTV show and had (have?) a blog very popular among people struggling with fertility issues. They had a Facebook post today describing how they alternate working with teaching their young daughters (both of whom were carried by a surrogate). She works in the morning and swaps with him in the afternoon. They are dealing with a similar challenge, but their kids are much younger than mine. Their posts always have this everything is great even though it sucks tone that is mildly irksome, but the amplification of the proper positioning that so many people are acting out in their social media feeds during this trying time just hit me wrong tonight. I understand the desire to appreciate what you have in this time when so many people are without work, but sometimes you just need to say this sucks and I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.
That's pretty much where I am with this whole shit show. It's terrible on pretty much every level possible. Yes, I'm in a much better position to get through this darkness than many other people, but that doesn't change the fact that this is miserable on pretty much every plane imaginable. It sucks now, and it's going to continue to suck in all kinds of new and painful ways for months and months and months. My life has been flipped inside out through no fault of my own and it pisses me off. I'm trying to keep a positive spin on the situation, but I find it depressing that I'm slowly adjusting to this new way of living. I have to find a way to keep my kids learning and developing while I'm trying to get my job done. I can't lift at the gym, go out to eat, or watch videos of people enjoying Disney World. These sound like mild and petty things but they are important to me and my life. I hate the superiority of people who shame others for going out of their house and doing things. Nobody really knows if all of this social distancing thing is really all that effective anyway. Don't be all mighty about something that you don't really understand.
I thought I would feel better after writing this, that's why I gave up the time I normally use to decompress with some video game fun to write this post, but I'm actually feeling worse for putting my feelings out there. This is the first time I've really acknowledged how upset and angry this situation is making me. It's been two weeks and I'm already struggling. How will things look for me in a month? I'm trying to focus on using this time to shape my life in new and better ways, but I don't know if I will be able to stay committed to this path for the duration. My health, my relationship with my kids and wife, and an important career transition all hang in the balance. I don't really have a choice but staying strong and focusing on the positives that can come out this disruption.
Trips to the beach, dinners at restaurants, and a long vacation at Disney World are waiting at the end of this. I just need to keep working and make it to the end of this stronger and more capable then when this all got started.
