Tis the season to once again set up a stack of goals and ambitions that I will in all likelihood fail to accomplish. I've been doing this long enough that I have fully adopted the idea that setting up these goals gives me direction and intention that I lack without them. I would definitely like to accomplish more of my goals, but I am fine with making progress without necessarily achieving the goal.
But what would it take to achieve the goal? I was thinking about the organizational axis of my life when I was in high school/college. I could have been focused on making money or getting women or being really good at football. I was focused on academic achievement as a validation seeking behavior. My life long habit of doing enough to be well above average but not the very top performer was set during this time. I became very proficient at finding the low risk route that would yield comfortable results with significant but not all encompassing effort. That's kind of how these resolutions work. I set a goal, make some progress, but never really sell out to do really well on at least one of my resolutions. Had I organized my life around making money I would have found ways to take bigger risks. Lower risk paths can get you to comfortable security, but really outsized results require taking more chances. (Just to be clear, I'm not regretful about the choices of my younger self, I'm just trying to think about what a different approach would have looked like.) Taking risks doesn't mean guessing that something will work and going all in on that path. It just means identifying and pursuing opportunities.
It also means taking a different approach. That's what I should be more open to as I pursue different outcomes to rephrased but essentially the same resolutions that I've been pursuing for years. Taking a different approach to reading would be embracing the idea of reading what sounds interesting when it's time to pick a new book. I haven't finished a book in weeks. That's mostly because the books that I've been trying to read, volume 2 or the Malone's Jefferson bio and Oliver Twist, are not books that I crave reading. I faced this problem last year and I just slogged through long books that were just boring. Maybe next year it's more about progress than depth, significance, or validation seeking. (I did start reading the memoirs of a professional gambler on my phone. In two days I've made more progress in that book than Oliver Twist.)
I was also reflecting on the role that running played in my life when I was training for my first marathon. Running provided a challenge. I get plenty of challenge from my job these days. Running is just as much emotional and mental as physical. Overcoming emotional and mental fatigue has been my biggest obstacle since moving to Florida. I run out of habit more than anything else. My big distance goals and training for the marathon have kept me running consistently. I'm pretty sure I would have all but abandoned the habit if not for those challenges to keep me moving. The beginning of my run this morning was challenging. I've had my mom at my house for five days and spent all day yesterday driving her to Daytona (and then driving back home). I'm still recovering from months of work challenges. My emotional energy tanks are drained. I just didn't have much to pull from to keep myself out there in the cold and rain. I took a walking break after 3 miles. After I recognized that my emotional energy was low my run suddenly improved. I stopped fighting to keep running and just ran. I also throttled back a bit on my pace which probably helped a bit. I need to just run and not get wrapped up in all the drama of my life. I may not want to run, but that doesn't mean my body isn't capable of running.
So I will try to read more books next year (while buying fewer). I will try to drop a few pounds while sticking with the running habit. I will work on getting back into the gym regularly and put in meters on the rowing machine.
