Nerves

I've felt a little off all night. I thought I was just recovering from a very busy day at work followed by an unplanned detour to pick up dinner, but that's all behind me and I'm still not right. Part of if may be that I've been trying to get a project to work for a week with progress but no success. I thought I had it licked, but I just checked on its progress and I'm still one small step from having it finished. I'm making a Hail Mary move tonight. Hopefully there will be good news when I get up tomorrow morning. That may be contributing to my funk, but that's not the whole story.

There's only one explanation. I'm nervous about my interview tomorrow. That may not seem like such a big reveal, but identifying and acknowledging my feelings is a relatively new experience for me. My standard approach is to play it cool and act like I'm not bothered by the situation. I know what I have to offer so why should I be nervous? That false bravado is just a way to hide from my feelings. Push those uncomfortable feelings aside and pretend that all is well. I've done that for most of my life. It's time for something new. It's not like I've never been nervous before. The most nerves that I've ever felt in my entire life was sitting in my car getting ready to go up for my interview with Solgar. I got that job. It was that interview that got put me in a position to have my current job. There were big stakes on the line at that interview. I can't help but feel that the stakes for this interview are just as big.

This is what I've been working toward since I rejoined the organization in 2006. I was being honest with myself when I admitted that I'm nervous about my interview tomorrow. I should also be honest with myself and acknowledge that I want to run things. I have a horrible time sitting back and simply doing as I've been told. I like to build something all my own. I've been able to do that with ideas and concepts, but I've never done it with a team. I can do my thing, but I want to scale that up to the team level. That's an entirely new challenge. I feel stagnant. That stalling isn't a consequence of projects or other job assignments. It's boredom with doing more of the same. I'm tired of technical challenges. I want something new. I'm desperate for something new. No wonder I'm nervous.