Crisis of Confidence

I've been feeling a bit low and unmotivated recently. My wife expressed her concern by pointing out how touchy I've been with my kids recently. Stuff that normally wouldn't affect me has been making me very grouchy. I hadn't really thought much about it until she said something. As I've been reflecting on my mood and how I've been feeling, I can't help but notice a lack of positive ego events in the last couple of months. The things in my life that normally give me a little boost and make me feel good about myself just haven't been there recently.

I'm happy to have my new manager role at work, but I'm not doing the kinds of things that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I'm not getting things done in the lab. I don't have a set of tasks that I can complete and feel good about getting them done. Then there's the challenge of getting through the uncertainty of whether or not I'm doing my new job right. I don't have much feedback about how people are responding to me being their leader. I used to know when I did something that would impact the organization. I'm not so sure any more.

My workouts are not going well this summer. We've taken many trips already and all that traveling messes up the time I have to workout. I need to get to bed soon so I'll be ready to get up and run tomorrow. After much deliberation, I registered for the Patrick Henry half-marathon last week. I've been running, but I've struggled with the long runs. Pacing is my big problem, but I just don't feel like I'm where I want to be when it comes to my fitness. My concerns started with my Monument Ave 10k time and things have just continued to deteriorate over the summer.

I'm not losing weight. If anything, I'm gaining weight. All those trips mean more eating out. Coupled with the reduced workouts, that's not a good combination. So I'm feeling bad about myself physically. I've never really felt bad about my body, and I'm not sure I would say that I feel bad about my body now. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself for not having a stronger commitment to my health.

I've had some project running in the background for the last several years. LSAT prep, MBA classes, there's been something that provided a steady stream of stuff to my ego fire. I don't have anything like that going on right now. I have a project, but it's not something that provides constant feedback. I'm the only one who's seen it since I started working on it. I haven't written an Amazon review or even done much writing here. These posts don't get many views, but I appreciate seeing that somebody has looked at something I've written.

Assuming that there is something to this idea that my confidence is a little shaky right now because I'm not getting my usual diet of ego reinforcement, that says something pretty significant about my self-image. That something is also undermining my confidence and contributing to my depression. The crisis of confidence is also a bit of identity crisis. Damn, this is tough.