Another step away from being a pathetic loser

Will I exert my desires on the physical world or will the physical world exert its power on me? Will I let other people dictate how I live my life or will I set the terms of my social exchanges? Will I allow the culture of an organization to shape my career or will I pursue what I find most valuable regardless of the consensus view on what is "right"?

My world has always dominated me. When I say my world, I'm referring to things as fundamental as the relationship between my mind and my body. All that talk of The Edge was my way of thinking about how hard I have to exert my psychic will over my physical body. My conscious, rational brain has a hard time dealing with my unconscious, irrational mind. My conscious mind has always been easily cowed by my fears. A little discomfort, either the physical pain of a workout or the psychological challenge of approaching a stranger, is all it takes to get me to go hide in the corner. I'm a pushover.

I've been struggling with this issue for over a year. My blog entries are a chronicle of my facing all the ways that I manage to be a wimp. You can see all the ways that I let the world dictate the terms of my life. For all that I tell myself I'm internally driven, the world exerts it will far more than I exert my will on the world. I've been dominated. I've never dominated. Just look at my last couple of posts. I'm lamenting how the reality of world does not mesh with my desires. That's my world pushing me around.

I tend to accept the terms offered by other people. I acknowledge their control of the situation. They shape the terms of the relationship. I come to them seeking acceptance and hope that they'll deem me worth their time. People sense that need. I sensed the plaintive yearning to be accepted when I interviewed people who had been out of work for awhile last year. They came into the interview grovelling. Their tail was between their legs and the rolled onto their backs, they were willing to do anything for a job. That submission was a huge turn off. Why would I want to associate with somebody so pathetic.

That was me in pretty much every social interaction I had with a girl until I was 18 or 19. I was pathetic. I put them in charge. They were the alpha in the interaction. That doesn't work very well with the ladies. I've made myself the beta, gamma, omega, whichever Greek letter is appropriate, over and over again in my life. I've always thought that being an alpha required some kind of vigorous physical exertion or extraordinary confidence, but it's really just a matter of exerting your will onto a situation. It's not letting the other person dominate an interaction. It's about meeting people's gaze, exuding confidence, and letting them know that you're not going to readily accept their terms for the interaction. It's about dominating rather than being dominated.