I am a seriously messed up motherfucker. I went to therapy once a week for most of last year. It helped me see that I'm a selfish prick, but that pile of shit was so high we never got to the really important stuff. All the talk of my behavior and little things that I should change in how I interact with my wife kept us away from getting to reason why I needed to change that stuff in the first place. My therapist thought I was a normal guy who just doesn't see that his wife needs to feel loved and appreciated. He thought that once I see how much small gestures matter to her that I would do everything imaginable to do them all the time.
Joke's on you doctor. Well, me really. Knowing what my wife needs doesn't seem to make it any easier for me to do those things. Just click on that link to Tiffy's one third life crisis and you can read for yourself some of the things she wants. She's making it pretty easy isn't she. She's been screaming at me, begging, pleading, pretty much doing everything short of writing me a damn script in an effort to get me to pay attention and notice her physically.
"Damn, you look hot in that dress!"
"You look really beautiful today."
"You're so sexy. I'm so happy that you're my wife."
These are simple things. Genuine appreciation for her physical beauty, an indication that she's what I want, that she turns me on, that I desire her in the most base way that we can imagine. That's all that she's been looking for. She wants to feel special and picked out from all the other sexy women. For three years this has been going on.
So what have I been doing for these three years. Working my ass off to figure out how I can let her know how amazing she is, how much I'm attracted to her, sharing how I notice all the little things that make her her and how much I like them; that's what I've been doing, you must be telling yourself, that's what any man with a wife as hot and smashing as mine would do. Wrong. That's not what I've been doing at all. I've pretty much been doing the opposite of that. I may have a few moments here and there, but by and large I have done very little to show her that I hear her, that I care about her, that I want her to be happy.
What the fuck is my problem? Things keep happening that tell my wonderful sexy wife that she's just a pedestrian, ho hum woman who doesn't really have anything all that great to offer. I've searched everywhere for something to blame, some explanation for my twisted behavior, but the pattern just keeps repeating. I always set out with the best of intentions, but I seem to have a knack for setting up situations that end up making things worse between us. I've never taken a deep look at the cause of this pattern. There were always excuses that helped me avoid looking too closely at what's motivating me to undermine the intimacy of my relationship. I didn't do these things with a conscious intent. I just pursued a course of action that would get me back to a place where things felt normal and comfortable.
Well, let's take the opposite road this time. I avoided a Big Conversation with my wife tonight. That's my standard tactic. I talk to her until we come to some kind of resolution and things get a little more comfortable. We slide back to our old ways, well, I slide back to my old ways, and go about doing things the way I've always done them until catastrophe strikes again. If this is the pattern, why haven't I searched for a way to break this cycle? What is my behavior telling me that I really want (or at least what does my behavior tell me about what my automatic, unconscious self is trying to achieve in my life)?
No comments:
Post a Comment