I just realized tonight that I've been writing this blog in some fairly regular fashion for five years. It doesn't really seem all that long ago, but when I think about all that's happened in that period of time, it feels like an eternity. My kids were 4 and 2 when I started this thing. That's just babies. My oldest wasn't even in school yet. No wonder I was able to workout at night. I didn't have to worry about getting him on the bus a little after 7 every morning. I hadn't even started my MBA, and I was in the thick of a project that was recently the subject of a visit to my building by the FDA (easily one of the most stressful weeks of my life professionally). My current manager position didn't even exist and a hundred or so books were unread. I hadn't really started running. My life was very different in many ways.
I had much more career angst five years ago. I wasn't sure what opportunities would be available for me as I gained more experience. My experience leading a project wasn't even a glimmer of a thought at the time. I wasn't sure what I wanted professionally. What I can see when I compare the version of me that wrote those early posts and the version of me writing these posts now is an acceptance of the reality of work and my organization. That doesn't mean that I'm fully adopted the status quo, but it does mean that I've recognized that things are the way they are and I have to work within those bounds as I try to make things a little different. Complaining that things don't work just as I would like is not a constructive path to meaningful change. Things are set up in their way. That's where I have to start as I try to shift my little part of the organization to a more collaborative orientation. I guess that means I've matured in five years.
I know I've matured in the last five years. The tone of some of my posts was pretty negative. I was forcing myself to confront things about me that I wasn't particularly eager to accept. It hasn't been easy to acknowledge some of these things. I'm watching my brother repeat the same patterns that I was stuck in and I feel incredible relief that I have managed to break that cycle. I'm not totally free from the insecurity that dictated so much of my early life, but at least I can see that some of those old patterns are rooted in a sense that I wasn't strong enough or good enough to handle some situation. (And thinking about this makes me recognize that so many of my family patterns are all about making sure that we are all extremely aware of our limitations and don't do anything crazy that might allow us to demonstrate that we are capable of more than others in our family may consider possible (sorry if that sentence makes no sense, I've had a bit to drink tonight and my mind may not be functioning as coherently as I hope)). My brother is in a sad place and he doesn't even know it. Looking around and recognizing that he's stuck in a situation that can only end in broken relationships and misery is very painful, but it's the only way to free himself from the quagmire of insecurity and doubt that taints everything in his life.
Facing that nastiness has probably been my biggest accomplishment over these five years. Sure I've realized goals that may look more impressive, professional accomplishments, finishing challenging physical tests (half-marathon), getting my MBA, but forcing myself to acknowledge my weaknesses has been the hardest of those challenges. I'm not sure I recognized the level of challenge when I was in the thick of it, but looking back I can see how hard it really was. I'm not finished. It's an on-going thing, but at least I've recognized the role that my family has had in shaping how I see myself, and I have made the conscious decision to break out of those patterns. It's a small step, but a very challenging one. It beats any resolution that I've managed to meet.
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