Monday, March 2, 2015

The end of an era

There is a very negative slant to all of these blog entries. The constant rumination on what I don't have is my favorite subject. I've written about how much my job sucks, my short comings as a husband, and my various theories of why my self-perception doesn't seem to match with my reality. I write these things thinking that delving into these things will give me access to some version of the truth that will free me from all of these negative thoughts and tendencies. I can just dive down to the demon and eradicate its sour influence on my life.

I'm just wallowing in the negative version of myself that I wrap around my reality when I write these entries. All my striving has an element of self-loathing. I must work to get better because who I am is inadequate. I don't offer people anything. If I keep working I may eventually get to a point where people will acknowledge my value. 

This attitude is a choice. I can choose to focus on what I don't have or I can focus on all the wonderful things that fill my life. I can choose to apply some kind of external criteria to my life, or I can simply be satisfied with the choices that I have made. At my core, I am very happy with my life, but there's always been a little voice that has chided me for not doing more, for not being better. That voice does not belong to me. It was all the insecurities of the people who influenced me in my youth being passed on to me. There was an overarching emphasis on what we were not as opposed to what we were. 

I choose to reject that view. I have build a great life and I intend to wash away all of the pollution of the negative emotions that have marred my life. I have been angry over what my parents took away from me. It's time to take that back by moving beyond the emotional limits that they helped me build. 

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