Anti-me

I spend way too much time thinking about what I do, why I do it, and how I can get better at whatever it is that's on my mind at the moment. That's the legacy of this blog (if the web allows hyper-specialization in one arcane topic, I've specialized on myself). I once feared that this suggested some kind of narcissistic character, but the simple fact that I was concerned about being so self-involved shows that I'm not a narcissist. No, my concern with what I have going on professionally, academically, or in some kind of activity where I can be judged against some standard is rooted in my combat against the anti-me.

Oh yes, my nemesis the anti-me. The anti-me is all those things that I don't have, everything that I'm not. The anti-me is the antithesis of all of my short-comings and failures. It's a highly sophisticated construct that has been hounding me for my entire life. It's what I feared people would see that I'm missing if I opened up. It's all the things that I thought I should have but I lacked. It's the superior me, the self that I thought I should be. It's what I'm not rather than what I am.

I've never lived up to the ideals of the anti-me. Of course it's impossible to meet those expectations. No matter what I achieve, there's always something greater that could have been done. The satisfaction of accomplishment is always tinged with a note of the possibility of something more impressive. The anti-me was the handsome, acne-free version of myself. The anti-me was more aggressive on the football field, a better student, not so socially awkward. People loved the anti-me because he didn't have all the awkward undesirability that was such a central part of who I was for so much of my youth.

He's stalked me as an adult. His influence was just a bit more stealthy and insidious. He's the voice that keeps me from fully recognizing and appreciating all the great things in my life. He's all the doubt that keeps me from fully expressing myself, from being open and vulnerable. I may have projected some of the sentiments that I felt flowing from him onto other people in my life. How can anybody see me as capable of being a certain kind of husband, a certain kind of parent, a certain kind of friend if I'm lacking in all kinds of important traits.

All my crazy schemes, law school, the pursuit of new jobs, all my talk of The Alpha, even my fixation on The Edge, are my efforts to negate the impact of the anti-me. If the anti-me makes me feel undesirable, being found worthy of acceptance into a law school class or competent to fill some random industry role must mean that I have some desirable qualities. Even my reluctance to be open with my needs and desires in my most intimate relationships comes down to a fear of having my deficiencies confirmed. It's only safe to express those needs once it's been made clear that they will be accepted in a positive fashion.

So all of my focus on myself is really a focus on what I need to do to prove that I'm not as deficient and undesirable as my anti-me makes me feel. That negative voice, always emphasizing what I'm not, how I'm imperfect and a failure, has had a larger role in how I perceive myself than I've every fully appreciated. What I'm not has always claimed a greater share that what I am and what I have. I have started to see where the anti-me comes from. It's not a natural part of who I am. It's a response to stuff that was going on in my life, and the lives of the people around me. It's propelled me forward, but it's also held me back. It's presence is a sign of the most dysfunctional relationship in my life, the relationship that I have with myself.

It's time to quiet the anti-me.