I was all set to write a weepy post where I chided myself for not making much progress on goals that I've had since I stated writing this blog. (I was thinking about getting in shape and publishing a research paper in case you were curious what long term goals I had in mind.) This feeling was prompted by some old posts that I reread while looking for my reading list from the first years of writing this blog. The topics that I was writing about then are still issues that I think about and deal with today. Weight loss, fitness, reading and buying books, getting a better sense of who I am and what I'm about. Where is the progress, where is the accomplishment?
The frustration really amped up when I read some of my comments on writing a research paper. I'm still working on that same paper! Shouldn't I have finished that by now? I say these things are important to me, but my status doesn't seem to change. I had this whole internal narrative about the appeal of unattainable goals playing in my head. Just as my self-loathing was really starting to ramp up, I challenged myself to take a look at my supposed failures from a different perspective.
I challenged this idea that I'm all about unattainable goals? What if I just choose to pursue activities that require lots of hard work, but haven't put in the effort needed to perform at a desired level? Hard goals are hard for a reason. They require consistent effort. I may face set backs. I might have to start all over again on some of them. Activities may conflict from time to time. I can't pursue all of them with the same level of intensity for an extended period of time. Hard activities are not fun. They require focus and commitment and sacrifice. I have a busy life. It's a fantastic, wonderful life. I make sure that the people who matter most to me have as much of me as they need. Should I really beat myself up if I slip a little bit in my workouts or avoid working on a research paper?
That's when I realized what is really bothering me. I haven't finished anything in awhile. I've finished a few books, but I need to finish Toll the Hounds. It's a huge book. I've made it a point to get through that series this year. Finishing it will feel like progress in a way that getting through some other books just can't match. That damn manuscript has been hanging over me for years. I did finish the version that I mentioned in that early blog post. I submitted it to a journal and it was rejected. I took a look at my paper after that rejection and realized that it needed to be totally reworked. I am close to finishing that reworked draft. There is tremendous progress on that project, but it doesn't feel like I've made any progress because the work remains unpublished.
I'm also still figuring out how to capture a sense of progress and achievement as a manager. I record and note all kinds of activities because I relish the sense of getting something done. When I was working at the bench, getting something done meant testing some samples or completing an analysis. Now getting something done means keeping a project on track over the course of months. I'm also not the one doing the work. That dilutes the sense of something getting done. I need to find ways to make my team's accomplishments more real. That will go a long way towards making me more satisfied with my work life.
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