Chasing my tail

Just sit here quietly and listen. I named my first Tumblr blog non-random Brownian motion. Oh you clever scientist you. Brownian motion IS random. To call it non-random is to call it something other than Brownian. Watching my focus zipping around from one thing to another feels like a random walk through my aspirations and status seeking goals. Take a look at that Primal Leadership book as a potential way to get that leadership program going? No, that feels too mercenary. Read some of The Recognitions? That's too demanding, besides, I just finished a book earlier tonight. How about Awaken the Giant Within? That's been dragging on forever. I can just focus on reading that and get it wrapped up. But is it worth the time to actually read it? It feels so New Bourgeois. I could write about that, the New Bourgeois, all of these productivity/entrepreneur/self-improvement bloggers who peddle the middle class aspirations of a new generation. That sounds demanding. Play Tetris? Bookworm? Why waste the time. I should do something more constructive and creative. I have all this energy just pent up. Maybe I should just go to bed. Or have another beer.

And that's how most of my uncommitted time gets used up. It just slips away as I spend most of it trying to figure out what I should do next. Should is the right word there. It's not what I WANT to do next. I'm not sure I even know what I would really want to do. It's what I SHOULD do. What would be the action that would garner me the most of what I think I want. Do I want to continue my search for the ideology that will fill my soul with meaning and give me a purpose and direction? My small little life with it's joys and pleasures can't be enough. There must be something more right? I should create something. I feel so trapped in a cage at work, running around and doing other people's bidding, this is my time to do what I need to do to feel fulfilled. Maybe I should figure out just what that would be before I get started on that kind of project. I need to do some research. What book should I read for that? And so the wheel goes around and around until I just give up and go to bed.