Metamorphosis

I was laid off two weeks ago. The official story for my dismissal is cost savings. That objective truth didn't blunt the blow. I walked out of the building feeling angry, scared about the future, and relieved that big problems facing the business were no longer my problem. I wanted it to be personal. I thought about things that I said and what I could have done differently to maybe keep my job. I quickly realized that I was only going to make myself feel really bad if I thought about this situation in those terms. It happened. Rehashing every little detail was not going to improve my situation. I made the choice to focus on what is coming next. 

That's what I've been doing these two weeks. I went to Disney World with my son that Friday (I was laid off right after getting settled in my office on a Thursday). I spent the weekend with my family. We were getting ready to move my daughter into her dorm so we were busy preparing for that big move. My first day staying home rather than going to work started with a very hard session on my rowing machine and mowing my yard. I resisted the urge to look at job postings. I went to Target with my daughter. I finally looked at job postings a few days later, found something that looked like a good fit, and confronted my not very good resume. I intended to give myself a week or so to process being laid off, but I wasn't going to let a good opportunity pass. I have had a job for 27 years. I had to work on my resume and get an application under review to settle my nerves. 

We moved my daughter into her dorm on Sunday. My plan was to take a few days away from the job search. I managed to stick with that plan on Monday. I hit the gym, took a walk, ran a few errands. I was thinking about reaching out to my network during my run on Tuesday morning. This reminded me of a job at a prominent gummy company that my former manager posted. Is that still open? I checked it out after getting cleaned up and settled in my new office (a couch in our family room). Yes, it is! I spent the next 2 days drafting answers to some questions that were part of the application for this role. I thought I would have them done in a couple of hours. My primary motivation in applying was just to get on the company's radar and have a reason to reach out to my old boss with something other than hey I lost my job can you help me find a new one. I didn't expect to exert so much energy in submitting this application. Finishing that application was an important step in my recovery. That wasn't clear to me while I was struggling with those questions, but how I think about not having a job, being laid off, and my perspective on my 5 years with the company shifted during that process. 

My momentary unemployment is not a reflection of my inherent value. I did not choose to leave my job. Whether or not there was something more than business performance that motivated the decision to include me in the RIF doesn't diminish my skills and experience. While my job search needs to have some urgency, this employment gap provides the space for me to reflect on how I showed up at my old job and how I can show up better in my next role. My previous organization forced me into a way of thinking about how I contributed to the business that conflicts with my values. I need to reconnect with a way of working that resonates with what matters. I spent way too much time reacting to situations from a position of fear. The first couple years were shadowed by my PDI failure. I had been corrupted by the chaos of the organization in my last few years. I had compromised the way I wanted to get things done with conditions imposed by the nature of the organization. I was aware of the deep dysfunctions of the business from my first few days with the company. The more I struggled with some of my answers to those application questions, the more I realized that my performance had been proscribed by shortcomings in the processes and the limitations of other leaders. I didn't need to feel responsible for the way things had gone wrong. I regret some of the ways that I approached my projects, but those are lessons to learn not judgements to bear. 

I do not want carry this version of myself into my next role. My job during this employment gap is metamorphosis. I need to dissolve this broken version of myself and use all that I have learned and experienced over these last few years to construct my new form. I keep wanting to use reconnect when describing this transitional phase. I operated in a mode that was much better aligned with my values 7 or 8 years ago. My natural response matched the response expected by the organization. I want to show up like this version and reconnect with that mind set. My natural response was not the preferred reaction by the company that just discarded me, but rather than influencing the rest of the team to adopt my position, I just adapted myself to the expectations of everyone else. Going along felt like the right response, but it only led to more problems. I actually started resisting the organizational expectation towards the end of my time with the recent employer. I feel like that resistance contributed to my removal.