The law school psychosis, the various job searches, even my MBA course work has been about finding something to fill some need that I have never been able to put into words. It's been expressed by actions. Funneling energy into applying to law school expressed some need to strive for an achievement, however hollow and inconsequential. A new company might offer challenges that would feed my desire to do something. To DO something. Not to simply show up at work to go through the motions required by the company culture. To claim something as my own, pour my energy into it, watch it grow, develop, emerge, that's what I've sought for my entire career.
I have no real desire to pursue seniority in my current position. I want power and influence, some direction over what I do and how I do it, but my boss's boss's job has no real appeal for me. I've mentioned that I've struggled with leaving the lab behind to pursue positions with greater influence. The path to power does not run through my greatest competency. Why am I staying there if my skills are not wanted? Why stay if I have to leave behind the one thing about my job that provides enough fulfillment to get me through the rest of it?
Money. Sure, I could make more money doing what I'm doing. Get that MBA, try some business stuff, I might make even more. I'd probably be living in Boston or New Jersey with a miserable wife and an hour plus commute. I would be miserable too, inventing ways to make my stifling role in a unimaginative corporate behemoth tolerable. Is there anything else? I can't think of anything.
I'll trade time in the lab to pursue interesting questions. I'll trade teaching and committee assignments for projects that never had a realistic chance at success. I'll trade a house in the megapolis for a modest home within human locomotion distance of the beach. I'll give up the career that I've fallen into for a chance to build a career.
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