Always trying to be the hero

So my part of the giant corporation is undergoing a strategic refresh. Maybe it's time for me to refresh my strategy. I've been dancing around doing something like this for awhile, but I've dismissed it as just another way for me to think and plan without actually doing anything. A quick little insight into one of my big patterns (something that was really evident in my youth that has ebbed in import over the years but still pulls on my orientation to life) has me rethinking the value of coming up with a new something to center my life.

I've always wanted to be the hero. I came to this insight in a round about manner, but the key to the realization came when I thought about my favorite movies, particularly the movies that really moved me when I was a kid. Top Gun was a favorite. I watched Last of the Mohicans every time I passed over it on TV. Star Wars was my life for a big chunk of my youth. The trend continues into adulthood. Braveheart. Gladiator. Spartacus was the first show that I watched using Netflix. The hero story is not limited to movies. You're always the hero when you play video games. I preferred games where with quests that could be completed. Sports games were never really my thing (unless I was beating my brother). I read comic books and played sports. Making the winning play, being the hero of the game, was one of my go to daydreams when I was in high school. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was distinct and special.

The desire to be the hero captures so much of what has resonated strongly in my life. There are other memories that I can think of, things that are too difficult to record in something like this post, that are consistent with this hero narrative. These recollections (like the predominant story I acted out when I was playing in the trees behind my house or when I was riding my bike back and forth along the road behind a different house) give the role that these heroic stories from popular culture had in my life much greater relevance than simply being stuff that most guys like. I just can't ignore the centrality of the hero image as a core part of my self-image.

As I look back over the patterns that I've followed for the last few years, this idea of trying to be the hero pops up again and again. Heroes go on quests. School has been one of my quests. Getting into law school. Getting my MBA. Those were trials I used to prove my perseverance and mettle. My PhD falls into that category as well. The pursuit of that degree was the driving motivation of my life from my senior year of college until I finished the degree. That's almost 10 years spent focused on achieving a difficult goal. That's not to say it was all about this hero thing, but it's consistency with the hero's journey. Even my decision to volunteer to help with challenging things at work fit into this idea of being the hero. My work on launching new products came after a failure to launch similar products with a different company. That was my way of saving the day. The same thinking applies to my current efforts to get a product through the FDA approval process. It's a chance to save the day.

My initial response to this insight is not positive. This pursuit of the heroic hints at desperation and need for acceptance. This is why I think it's time to rethink my approach. Well, rethinking my approach isn't really the crux of the matter. It's more about figuring out what gets me motivated and excited and decoupling that from this quest for recognition and special status. It's the status seeking inherent in wanting to be the hero that really bothers me.