Letting go

There are two trash bags full of books in my garage. There will be more by the time I'm finished. I've read most of the books that I am discarding, but there a good number in there that I have not read. Those are the ones that I've had for years and have a very difficult time imagining myself actually reading. I've held onto them because I've always told myself that there will come a time when I may want to read that book. It's time to let them go. It's time to let go of books that I've read but know I will never read again (I very, very rarely reread books, the only books I can recall reading were from long series.). I've always fought against my desire to buy books. A few years ago I questioned spending the money. Now it's the space. I've had books stashed all over my house. The shelves are full so they've spread to piles on my desk and stashes in different drawers and cabinets.

The pressure of having all these books bearing down on me has become inhibiting. I can't move forward because I have all of these books, accumulated over most of my life. I just put some Stephen King books that I read in high school into the trash bags, and those aren't the only high school era books that I am letting go. I've had some them for over 20 years and they're unread. Why keep them around? Those were books that were intriguing to me when I was a teenager. Those are artifacts of a different time in my life. By getting rid of the books, I feel like I'm freeing myself to move forward from that time.

The books and my hero narrative are vestiges of a different life. I chose to have the books in my life, but the hero narrative seeped in and has refused to let go. I've clung to these books, telling myself that I can't let them go just like I've maintained a fierce grip on this whole hero thing. There are roles that I must play, family dynamics that I must preserve. No, these are not things that I must do. They are relics of my emotional history. Books were my refuge during the time that I developed my hero thing. Books surely contributed to its strength and persistence. In stepping away from some of these books, I'm stepping away from a part of my past that weakens me. In turning away from the past, I can turn more completely to the present. I am less encumbered to pursue depth and meaning.

The past is not a burden that I am obligated to carry. I can choose to set it down and leave it behind. I make that choice.