Omega

One month after my interview in Boston, I've come to see that entire job search as what it really was. It was a game. I knew I wasn't going to take the job. I wanted to get an interview so I could talk about myself and get some feedback on where I've been in my career. It was a safe way to feel like I was doing something to shake up my career without the risk of starting over with a new company in a strange city. My approach to the search ensured that I had nothing at stake in the process. If I had been serious about changing the direction of my career, I would have taken steps to be in a position to take the position if it was offered. That would have required me to plan and take definitive steps to make the transition a realistic proposal. It would have required action.

Over the last couple of days, I've been grappling with how to live my life now that I've stopped hiding from the fact that I am definitely not a man of action. I am passive. My passivity leads to an ineffective weakness.  I've avoided dealing with this uncomfortable fact through rationalizations about being socially awkward and clueless or taken a more detached and aloof approach to more complex social situations. The truth is that I am too weak to assert myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I let the situation dictate my actions and define my response. I shrink from confrontation. I put my tail between my legs and wait for the alpha dog to give me his approval.

This is the first time that I've thought about how I act in terms of seeking approval from the alpha dog. I am disgusted by the accuracy of the analogy. The job search was a pursuit of approval. I was looking for a hiring manager to pat me on the head and tell me that I am special. My whole crazy law school endeavor was a pursuit of approval. It's not even approval that actually leads to any new responsibilities. The practical impossibility of going to law school or moving to Boston allowed me to spend energy seeking approval without having to deal with the consequences of gaining that approval. I was being actively passive. I was spending time and energy that was never going to result in me taking a different direction in my career. I could get the approval that I sought without jeopardizing the safety of my normal life.

My normal life, where I continually seek the approval of my wife. Oh, I am truly a lowly, wretched pale imitation of a man! I constantly seek her approval. A little voice in me craves recognition for doing the smallest chore around the house. I continually wait for her to tell me what to do and then expect praise for taking care of it. I can see an element of approval seeking in almost every aspect of our relationship. I do not want to write this next statement, but I need to see it clearly in front of me so I can confront this ugly, disgusting fact....I wrote the sentence and confronted the fact. Leaving it out there for the world to see would undermine our entire relationship. I've already undermined how I think about pretty much every social interaction in my life. I think that's enough for one night.