Google Reader stopped giving me endless updates on bored housewives running workouts and pictures of their meals (I would post links so everybody can enjoy the inanity, but I don't want to send any page views their way) just in time to give me this, a little teaser video from the upcoming album of one of my new favorite bands, M83. The discovery of this little video clip came right after I finished reading one of the Reactions columns from The Sceptical Chymist blog. Every week they ask a chemist a few questions that give a little insight into the personal side of the researchers. One of the questions is which book and which album would they want with them if they were stranded on a desert island. The association between the M83 clip and the Reactions column got me wondering what would be on my CD list.
I guess it would likely be one of the CD's that has been central to my life at one time or another. Here are a few possibilities:
Depeche Mode - Violator
This album (well, cassette tape was the main medium at the time) got me through many 3 or 4 hour bus rides to and from basketball games in various dinky cities in eastern New Mexico. I still listen to it from time to time. It hasn't lost it's appeal.
Tool - Aenima
I loved Undertow, but this is the CD that made Tool a regular feature in my CD player through college. I can't imagine how many pages I wrote listening to it. I don't listen to it much anymore, mainly because it sounds crappy on my iPod, but there will never come a time when I don't have the Tool library in whatever media music happens to be popular in at the moment.
Radiohead - OK Computer/Amnesiac/Kid A
I loved OK Computer, for whatever reason I can still remember buying that CD. My page count with this CD probably rivals Aenima. I almost felt betrayed the first time I listened to Kid A. I hated it. What were they trying to prove? I kept listening to it though. Once I got over listening for OK Computer part 2, I started to dig the new sound. Amnesiac completed my conversion.
Muse - I'm not sure which one
I got my first iPod soon after I discovered Muse. Their CD's are all a big mash to me because I listened to them on shuffle so many times. I would like to pick a few of my favorite songs to make my own mix CD.
Oceansize - Effloresce
I read about this CD on some hipster website while sitting in office hours while I was in grad school. I had no idea what the band sounded like, but I was obsessed with getting the CD. The second it showed up in Tower, I picked it up and took it to the lab to check it out. I liked it the first couple of times I listened to it, then I started to become obsessed with it. M83 gives me the same vibe that I found so moving in tracks on this CD (Saturday Morning Breakfast Show in particular). The band released a couple of albums after this one, but they went down hill quickly after losing a key member of the group. They broke up a year or so ago.
Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns
This is the only thing in my Mog library that I keep going back to on a regular basis (although the M83 stuff and Gang Gang Dance's Eye Contact are also getting multiple repeat plays). I will likely associate it with my trip to Boston for my job interview for a little while (I had it on pretty much the entire time I was in my hotel room getting ready for my interview). I read one review that compared it to an OK Computer like move for Linkin Park. I can't help but dig it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A Direct Application
A direct application of something I've read to a problem that I'm facing at work hit me like a thunderbolt Friday morning. While I have tried to make the case that not having direct applications from my reading to my life is not really such big deal, seeing a link between some theory from a book and a real life situation was a nice validation of my, well, let's call it independent study. I desperately want to share my insight with a former manager, but he is notoriously difficult to track down. I only need a few minutes. I have a second person in mind who might be more receptive to my idea, but I would rather share my insight with somebody at the top. I want the credit for coming up with the idea. Status is one of my new pursuits after all.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Our Deepest Nature is Fixated on the Superficial
In my drive to put my issues with status and dominance into some kind of larger perspective (to place aspects of my personality onto some external and objective frame so I can look at them without feeling like a pimply 14 year old), I've begun to piece together a new perspective on motivation. While my primary, uh, motivation was to understand myself so I could stop being such a pushover, the things that drive me aren't any different than what drive you or anybody else. These primal drivers don't mesh well with our progressive social views on how we're supposed to think about one another.
Our physical appearance is our most valuable social commodity. The way we act, the manner in which we display our physical appearance, is also critical. This is not a comforting conclusion for the father or a young daughter. As much as I would like to think that my daughter will be judged for her intellect, which is considerable, or other talents, her most valuable social commodity will be the way she looks. Ignoring this fact will do nothing to change the reality of the situation. Her appearance does not have to agree with some culturally defined ideal for her to gain social status, but what people see when she walks into a room, both what she looks like and how she carries herself, will guide their judgement. Is acknowledging this fact and using that acknowledgement to her advantage necessarily erroneous?
Books like this are written from the perspective that we're more than our appearance and people will be able to see that and come to judge us accordingly. Ignoring the fact that appearance matters or pretending that it doesn't matter overlooks the fact that the opportunity for people to get to know us and appreciate our deeper layers only comes after our appearance has been used to determine if we're worth the effort to build a relationship. We're attracted to people by their appearance and demeanor. Our nature won't change just because our bias is not favored by certain elements in our culture.
Our physical appearance is our most valuable social commodity. The way we act, the manner in which we display our physical appearance, is also critical. This is not a comforting conclusion for the father or a young daughter. As much as I would like to think that my daughter will be judged for her intellect, which is considerable, or other talents, her most valuable social commodity will be the way she looks. Ignoring this fact will do nothing to change the reality of the situation. Her appearance does not have to agree with some culturally defined ideal for her to gain social status, but what people see when she walks into a room, both what she looks like and how she carries herself, will guide their judgement. Is acknowledging this fact and using that acknowledgement to her advantage necessarily erroneous?
Books like this are written from the perspective that we're more than our appearance and people will be able to see that and come to judge us accordingly. Ignoring the fact that appearance matters or pretending that it doesn't matter overlooks the fact that the opportunity for people to get to know us and appreciate our deeper layers only comes after our appearance has been used to determine if we're worth the effort to build a relationship. We're attracted to people by their appearance and demeanor. Our nature won't change just because our bias is not favored by certain elements in our culture.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Master the System
Three of my papers have been cited by three different research groups in the last month or so. One group is in Turkey, another was in the Czech Republic. I didn't bother to look up the third. As much as I long to keep making contributions to and participating in the international research community, my continued effort to influence that world is a distraction from where I should be focusing my energy to raise my status at PCH. If I was really serious about becoming a decision maker, I would build a barrier around my building and focus on learning how to use the system that has been built in our organization.
The more I know about how one piece of my organization connects to another, the more I will be able to manipulate the system. Figuring out a problem and waiting for recognition to flow my way will only result in more of the same. Understand the politics, understand the flow of information, understand where the real decisions come from, and I'll know where to position myself for opportunities to impact and change the organization.
I've gone through life pursuing goals that I thought would bring recognition and reward rather than directly pursuing what I wanted to achieve. I've pursued recognition as an end rather than recognizing that being recognized is merely a means to something greater. I've never sought status. I've merely sought approval from those with status. It's time to enter the fray.
The more I know about how one piece of my organization connects to another, the more I will be able to manipulate the system. Figuring out a problem and waiting for recognition to flow my way will only result in more of the same. Understand the politics, understand the flow of information, understand where the real decisions come from, and I'll know where to position myself for opportunities to impact and change the organization.
I've gone through life pursuing goals that I thought would bring recognition and reward rather than directly pursuing what I wanted to achieve. I've pursued recognition as an end rather than recognizing that being recognized is merely a means to something greater. I've never sought status. I've merely sought approval from those with status. It's time to enter the fray.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Giving it Away
I've been trying to get some perspective on my recent discoveries from the psychology literature. This is the best passage that I have been able to locate so far:
"The finding that those low on Surgency (note: that's just a fancy word for extraversion) tend to use Debasement (e.g., lowering self to get others to do something), for example, supports [the] conceptual proposition that submissiveness involves denying status to the self. Combined with finding that those high in Surgency tend to be somewhat condescending..., these results yield compelling support for the notion that status allocation is a central psychological ingredient in this major personality factor." (reference here)
Status allocation? So I've been denying myself status for all of these years? I made the choice to occupy lower status positions? Why do I have a drive to defer? What would happen if I decided that I didn't want to be the lap dog?
"The finding that those low on Surgency (note: that's just a fancy word for extraversion) tend to use Debasement (e.g., lowering self to get others to do something), for example, supports [the] conceptual proposition that submissiveness involves denying status to the self. Combined with finding that those high in Surgency tend to be somewhat condescending..., these results yield compelling support for the notion that status allocation is a central psychological ingredient in this major personality factor." (reference here)
Status allocation? So I've been denying myself status for all of these years? I made the choice to occupy lower status positions? Why do I have a drive to defer? What would happen if I decided that I didn't want to be the lap dog?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Omega
One month after my interview in Boston, I've come to see that entire job search as what it really was. It was a game. I knew I wasn't going to take the job. I wanted to get an interview so I could talk about myself and get some feedback on where I've been in my career. It was a safe way to feel like I was doing something to shake up my career without the risk of starting over with a new company in a strange city. My approach to the search ensured that I had nothing at stake in the process. If I had been serious about changing the direction of my career, I would have taken steps to be in a position to take the position if it was offered. That would have required me to plan and take definitive steps to make the transition a realistic proposal. It would have required action.
Over the last couple of days, I've been grappling with how to live my life now that I've stopped hiding from the fact that I am definitely not a man of action. I am passive. My passivity leads to an ineffective weakness. I've avoided dealing with this uncomfortable fact through rationalizations about being socially awkward and clueless or taken a more detached and aloof approach to more complex social situations. The truth is that I am too weak to assert myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I let the situation dictate my actions and define my response. I shrink from confrontation. I put my tail between my legs and wait for the alpha dog to give me his approval.
This is the first time that I've thought about how I act in terms of seeking approval from the alpha dog. I am disgusted by the accuracy of the analogy. The job search was a pursuit of approval. I was looking for a hiring manager to pat me on the head and tell me that I am special. My whole crazy law school endeavor was a pursuit of approval. It's not even approval that actually leads to any new responsibilities. The practical impossibility of going to law school or moving to Boston allowed me to spend energy seeking approval without having to deal with the consequences of gaining that approval. I was being actively passive. I was spending time and energy that was never going to result in me taking a different direction in my career. I could get the approval that I sought without jeopardizing the safety of my normal life.
My normal life, where I continually seek the approval of my wife. Oh, I am truly a lowly, wretched pale imitation of a man! I constantly seek her approval. A little voice in me craves recognition for doing the smallest chore around the house. I continually wait for her to tell me what to do and then expect praise for taking care of it. I can see an element of approval seeking in almost every aspect of our relationship. I do not want to write this next statement, but I need to see it clearly in front of me so I can confront this ugly, disgusting fact....I wrote the sentence and confronted the fact. Leaving it out there for the world to see would undermine our entire relationship. I've already undermined how I think about pretty much every social interaction in my life. I think that's enough for one night.
Over the last couple of days, I've been grappling with how to live my life now that I've stopped hiding from the fact that I am definitely not a man of action. I am passive. My passivity leads to an ineffective weakness. I've avoided dealing with this uncomfortable fact through rationalizations about being socially awkward and clueless or taken a more detached and aloof approach to more complex social situations. The truth is that I am too weak to assert myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I let the situation dictate my actions and define my response. I shrink from confrontation. I put my tail between my legs and wait for the alpha dog to give me his approval.
This is the first time that I've thought about how I act in terms of seeking approval from the alpha dog. I am disgusted by the accuracy of the analogy. The job search was a pursuit of approval. I was looking for a hiring manager to pat me on the head and tell me that I am special. My whole crazy law school endeavor was a pursuit of approval. It's not even approval that actually leads to any new responsibilities. The practical impossibility of going to law school or moving to Boston allowed me to spend energy seeking approval without having to deal with the consequences of gaining that approval. I was being actively passive. I was spending time and energy that was never going to result in me taking a different direction in my career. I could get the approval that I sought without jeopardizing the safety of my normal life.
My normal life, where I continually seek the approval of my wife. Oh, I am truly a lowly, wretched pale imitation of a man! I constantly seek her approval. A little voice in me craves recognition for doing the smallest chore around the house. I continually wait for her to tell me what to do and then expect praise for taking care of it. I can see an element of approval seeking in almost every aspect of our relationship. I do not want to write this next statement, but I need to see it clearly in front of me so I can confront this ugly, disgusting fact....I wrote the sentence and confronted the fact. Leaving it out there for the world to see would undermine our entire relationship. I've already undermined how I think about pretty much every social interaction in my life. I think that's enough for one night.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
or Perish
The scales fell from my eyes after accepting that my group provides support for other people's plans and projects. The reluctance to change, get better, or improve suddenly fit into a larger effort to keep our heads down and just do as we're told. Why be bold and try to shake things up when we have no control over what we work on in the first place? Our contribution is an either/or proposition. There is no almost making it. Either we deliver a product or we show up with nothing. I work for people who choose the safe and known over the risky and untried because they are only concerned about delivering. A successful launch is a victory no matter what it took to get there. More importantly, failure to meet a product launch is an unthinkable dereliction of duty. We MUST deliver.
We don't take chances because the rewards for success on a risky approach are uncertain, while the punishments for failure are clear. The downside of failing to deliver on a project far outweighs any benefit that could be realized by taking a chance. If my first prong of attack is to take the safe route and accept the role that I must take to get my career moving towards a position with a greater role in the decision making process, my second prong of attack rushes into totally unknown territory. I'm going to get my sublimation work published. I'm not wasting my time on a poster. I want to get my work published a communication in JACS. I'm not really looking to get a big career boost out of the publication, at least I don't see laurels falling on me from the PCH leadership. While I can envision career scenarios where having that publication could certainly be a benefit at other companies or labs, I'm not pursuing the paper to further my career. It's something that I need to do. I've worked hard in the lab to understand a problem. Either I publish the paper, or my discovery will die. The work has become part of who I am. I can't let a part of me perish.
We don't take chances because the rewards for success on a risky approach are uncertain, while the punishments for failure are clear. The downside of failing to deliver on a project far outweighs any benefit that could be realized by taking a chance. If my first prong of attack is to take the safe route and accept the role that I must take to get my career moving towards a position with a greater role in the decision making process, my second prong of attack rushes into totally unknown territory. I'm going to get my sublimation work published. I'm not wasting my time on a poster. I want to get my work published a communication in JACS. I'm not really looking to get a big career boost out of the publication, at least I don't see laurels falling on me from the PCH leadership. While I can envision career scenarios where having that publication could certainly be a benefit at other companies or labs, I'm not pursuing the paper to further my career. It's something that I need to do. I've worked hard in the lab to understand a problem. Either I publish the paper, or my discovery will die. The work has become part of who I am. I can't let a part of me perish.
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